The Indian woman's team participating in the World Beach Volleyball tournament have declined to wear bikinis, declaring them objectionable and against their traditions.

Ladies, please. You have got to understand, like any sport that was invented in the US, it's about how many eyeballs you can steal away from someone else. We're all waving our hands in your face like crazy, trying to get you to look at us for 5 seconds and consider buying whatever product is associated with us. There is no greater force on the planet when it comes to attracting eyeballs than T and A. And frankly, you're kicking yourselves in the tit on this one.

"We want to give a good fight in the game and not the dress code," said Kanaka Mahalakshmi, a member of the Indian team, adding that she would rather not play if required to wear a bikini that is the recognised dress code for all international beach volleyball tournaments.

Case in point: Women's soccer. Remember that time this girl scored a goal and then delivered the twins? For the next three months, the whole world was interested in women's soccer. When there was nothing delivered in the coming months, over time, the public grew cold and bitter. "Tits or GTFO" the kids say now.

Well Lucknow my little curry rolls, I'm sari about the over 9000 years of culture and that you have these body issues, and you feel all Ahmedabad about your Pune. But these are rules, and it was established early on that the bikini gives you the best competitive advantage in women's pro beach volleyball to just Bangladesh out of the ball, and maybe Bangalore if you want.

Honestly, I don't understand why this isn't the most popular sport on the planet. Check out these common hand signals:

Closed fist - omg, too fast
One finger - ok, that's a start
Two fingers - now you're talking
Open hand - WHOA!

I guess I can't just pick on the Indians (dot, not feather):

But the bikini-only rule has not been popular even in the West, with many women arguing that they should be allowed to wear either tights or shorts.

Fine then, but leave the chesticles alone. My suggestion is to get really in to landscaping: try to get a wax named after your nation and that will help out your chances. I'm staring at you, Brazil, for way too long. I mean, c'mon... the Calcutta just sounds hot.

Thanks to telegraph.co.uk and wackypedia for the fodder