Welcome, uncommon ladies and gentlemen to the finale of Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains. It's been a wild ride, right? If this season's taught us one thing, it's that bad guys always win. Also, heroes are pretty lame, and if they want to win, they have to act like villains. Get a snack and a beverage, this is going to be quite a read.
The episode begins with a a recap of the entire season so far. Remember when Colby was good? Well you're wrong, Colby was never good. Parvati is a temptress. Sandra's tactics include "stealth," that's rich. Remember when Jerri was good? Me either. Russell looks so fat at the beginning of Survivor: Samoa. He's been out there two months. What has he become?
After the vote, Russell says it was a bad move for Sandra to lie about having the idol. She turns the tables on him, saying that he didn't come tell her about his idols. He thinks Parvati lied about not knowing and says it to her openly. His mind is fried, paranoia has completely gripped him. His accusations start a rift between the two, suddenly pushing Colby and Jerri together.
It's Day 37, two days before the end of the world, and Parvati and Russell have brought back Tree Mail. It's a bag of puzzle pieces with a short poem. Russell has a short confessional interspersed between shots of them leaving for the challenge, and I'm convinced he's lost his mind. His eyes are glassy and his speech is slurred. If I didn't know better, I'd say he's drunk.
First Immunity Challenge Time! The challenge is dish stacking. The ladies have an advantage in this one, am I right, guys? The challenge starts and nothing really happens, except Jeff says it's hot, so imagine that. Sandra and Jerri wobble a little before Sandra's pile collapses. They add a small plate and Jerri's got the shakes. With fourteen dishes stacked, Jerri wobbles, then weebles, then weeble-wobbles, and her pile collapses. They add a soy dish, and Russell's got a lean in his stack. They add a bowl, and his stack begins to waver, then it falls. Zephyrus, god of the summer breezes, tries to influence the outcome and sends a gust of wind to test Parvati and Colby. After adding a large bowl, Colby topples and Parvati wins immunity.
They get back to camp and Colby announces his surrender. He shakes their hands and/or hugs the others. He says in his confessional that he almost convinced himself that he was surrendering. Nobody ever means it when they say that! Hell, isn't this his third surrender speech this season? The confessional leaves us with a long shot where Colby sucks his teeth and looks at the ground before saying that when the time was right, he made his final final final attempt. He asks Russell what his thoughts are, and Russell explains what his plan is. Colby wants to get rid of Sandra on the grounds that it would be easier to beat Parvati with him there. It seems like crazy Russell might even be buying this idea.
First Tribal Council Time! Rupert doesn't look like he was allowed access to the Ponderosa facilities. Jeff asks Colby about being the last Hero, and he gives up that he was lobbying Russell to take him instead of Sandra. That right there answers for me who should win: if you want something done, you go to Russell. After this, British Petroleum is dispatching him to fix the leaking oil rig with nothing but a knife in his teeth. Colby tells Sandra that everyone wants to take her to the final, because she sucks. Sandra says it's news to her and that you can't believe anyone in this game. Parvati says she's been promised the entire universe and any adjacent natural satellites. Okay, who's the dumb ass who's spitting my game at Parvati? Jeff asks if they can trust each other. They go back and forth. The theme to take from this is to trust no one. Voting begins. Sandra votes for Colby. The second vote read is Sandra, the next is Colby, as well as the final one. Colby is eliminated. In his parting speech, he admits he isn't good in challenges anymore.
Later that night, Parvati's still pretending to be shocked that she's such a threat. I don't know where everyone's speculation that she's a threat due to jury votes comes from. Yes, she's a threat, and she shouldn't be surprised at this point, but the jury is people she either back-stabbed or were trying to get rid of her right after the Merge. Russell and Jerri talk each other up before they head out for the boring part of every finale.
And my least favorite part of Survivor: the walk down memory lane. Everyone's little speeches just get me angry. I want to yell at them all. Here's a nice shot, though:
This is a pretty dangerous trail they have them on. That would suck to roll an ankle out there. I'm reminded of how vanilla Candice is as a Survivor. At the end of their journey, they light up a wooden statue and chant anti-capitalist slogans.
Final Immunity Challenge Time! It's a maze! The Survivors are blindfolded and must feel maps on guide posts to collect necklaces. The challenge starts and everyone files their way out to the first marker. There's a mild collision at the necklaces the sends Sandra off into nowhere. The others, led by Russell, are feeling out maps and heading to the next location. Sandra, proving that she's not above robbing the blind to get a million dollars, tries to swipe Parvati's necklace from around her neck. Sandra finally gets back and finds her first necklace as Russell's grabbing his second one. Parvati is not far behind him, grabbing a necklace and giving the wall a solid hip check. Jerri's taken an alternate route and has her second one, then makes her way on and grabs a third. Parvati gets her third and screams out, alerting Sandra, who asks where she is. Sandra follows the sound and gets close enough to touch her, then stumbles over to the box to get her second necklace. Russell hears this and finds his third. Russell finds Parvati in a corner and get s quick feel. They walk together, slapping each other, feeling each other and for their path. Jerri gets her fourth and she's heading for the exit, too. Parvati gets out first and finds the guide post. Russell gets out behind her and walks forward, straight past the post and into the rope wall. Jerri's making a bee-line straight out of the maze, feeling her way along the rope opposite Russell. She begins to move faster, and Russell starts to backtrack, but turns back towards the post, moving not quite as fast as Jerri. He gets to the post a second before she does and feels up the pole, almost knocking the necklace down when he finds it and puts it on. Russell wins Immunity. Everyone had a great time with such a crazy finish, everyone except Sandra, who was not close at all. Russell asks Jeff to put his necklace on to make it official. Parvati hopes she's still Russell's girl. Who would you get rid of? I think I'd take my chances with Parvati and Sandra.
Russell takes Sandra for a walk and tells her he's taking her with him. He's taking Jerri, too. They do a quiet Final Three fist bump while Parvati comes back with an armload of coconuts. Then Russell and Parvati walk off together and he accidentally says that he's taking Jerri while meaning to say he's voting her out to get her on the jury. He finishes by saying he doesn't know what he's going to do. I bet she's kicking herself for not being his lapdog the whole time.
Final Elimination Vote Time! Everyone's brought in. Colby shaved. Jerri undresses him with her eyes. Jeff asks them how much time they spent lobbying Russell. Sandra tries to say that she knew she's safe because Russell tells her all the time that she can't win. Russell tells everyone that that's not quite right, anything can happen, and this has been his hardest decision yet. Jeff asks all the girls what their cases to Russell have been. Parvati mentions in her case that she and Russell have been protecting each other since day one, and Russell takes issue with that. He wants to her say he protected her, but she doesn't. Jeff asks him about it, and he says it's annoying. After another question for Russell, voting begins. Parvati and Jerri vote for each other. Russell speech when he votes suggests he votes Parvati. Jeff grabs the ballot box and reads the votes. The third and fourth votes are for Jerri, she's eliminated.
Jerri tells us the she'll probably still vote for Russell because he makes decisions that make sense, except for that one. Funny, because she's still going to vote for him.
The final three head back to camp for their final night. Sandra is shown talking about her husband and saying that this is how she makes her money, winning Survivor.
The 39th morning is the standard breakfast picnic. Russell is shown marveling at his own success. The three lay out on a blanket while Russell asks Parvati if she would have voted him out. He tells her his game is just like his, and she disagrees. Sandra lies there quietly until he leaves, saying he doesn't know what it's like to go up against two chicks. She couldn't be more wrong. Then she decides she wants to burn his hat. Parvati encourages her and she gets up and tosses it onto the fire. She justifies herself because of all the things he's done to her in this game. He comes back asking if they've seen it and they deny. The three begin packing up the camp while Sandra tells us that, for Russell, it's all about the title, and she has to prevent him from getting it. She also says that she's spent every day trying to get rid of Russell, which sums up her 39 days of failure perfectly. Parvati torches the camp and they head off while Sandra says more asinine justifications for why she should win.
Final Vote Time! Jeff brings everyone in and explains how it goes. Sandra opens with her case, she thinks she survived on her own. Russell apologizes for offending anyone, but he just played the game. Parvati calls Russell the dragon and she kept him as a pet. Coach shakes his head at this and Russell furrows his brow at being called a pet. The cross-examination/butthurt parade begins.
Colby goes first and asks if Russell really thinks he got here without luck, then calls him a loser for thinking that. He asks Parvati what strategic moves she made and she's got a laundry list. He sits down after that, no questions for Sandra. Coach goes next, and he's got nicknames for everyone. He tells Russell that he's primitive. He tells Sandra she's bad in challenges and he wishes he was in her place. He tells Parvati the day he trusted her was the day she got rid of him. Then he proclaims that, as a Christian man, he didn't have any preconceived notions as to who he was going to vote for, but he's going to watch them... and judge them. Amanda goes next and asks Sandra what did to be here. Sandra explains that her failure was due to the Heroes never believing her. Courtney goes next and compliments Parvati and gives her friend Sandra a softball opportunity to talk about herself, then sits down. J.T. goes next and asks Russell if he's done well enough to preserve the vote at the end of the game. He throws himself at their mercy. Parvati answers the same question, then Sandra. Sandra tells him she would have given the idol back. Nice try. He tells Russell that he's not out for vengeance. Danielle goes next and tries to start with a funny accent. Danielle asks him if he would change his game because of his "lack of skill" at jury management. He tells Danielle that he doesn't regret anything and won't tell her what she wants to here. This makes her mad and she tells him he won't get any votes. Then she sits down and cries. Jerri goes next and asks when Russell knew he was going to vote her out. He says it was right after the challenge. Parvati tells him he did it because he knew he had her vote. She calls Sandra out for not protecting her, either. Candice goes and tells Russell that he told dirty lies, says that Parvati is Russell's abused girlfriend, and has a clever phrase for Sandra, then sits down. Rupert goes and calls Russell a bunch of bad things. Then he thanks Sandra for trying to help them. Then he blames Parvati for aligning with Russell. They take a break and voting begins.
Jerri goes first and decides to write Parvati's name. Candice votes for Sandra because of some strange idealist criteria. Danielle votes for Parvati. Courtney votes for Sandra. Colby's vote isn't shown. Coach votes for Parvati. Rupert votes for Sandra. It's pretty clear Russell isn't winning it at this point. Jeff takes the ballot box and walks to New York City without even getting his pants wet.
Jeff brings out the ballot box in front of the live studio audience. Russell has a new hat. He says this is the greatest season they've ever had. I agree. He begins reading the votes and about four in, Russell knows he's out. Sandra finally wins and now I think it's the worst season ever.
Jeff asks Sandra if she thinks she's the best player ever. She does. Parvati and Russell don't agree. Parvati thinks she's the best because she's been out there the longest. Russell takes her down, point by point, with Sandra trying to interrupt. Russell is genuinely pissed that her failure is rewarded. I'm with him. He says there's a flaw in the game if she can win twice. Russell declares that America needs a percentage of the vote. Sandra thinks he's wrong. Jeff tries to explain that that isn't this game, you have to use the last group as the jury. He also points out, while asking Tom what it takes to win, that Sandra never won a challenge. Russell asks everyone for permission to tell us how good he is, then pulls out J.T.'s letter that's in a protective sleeve. He shows it, saying that he made a winner look like the dumbest guy on the planet. J.T. tries to grab it and throw it in the fire, but Russell saves it. He continues to talk before Jeff tells him to clam it.
I can't bare much more. Jeff asks Russell if he knew about his hat. He didn't know until just then. He thinks Parvati should have won instead and Jeff asks him if he even understands how the jury works. Russell doesn't care about the jury. Boston Rob says Russell doesn't play the game to win, just to get to the end. Russell counters, saying that he's never won.
Jeff asks Tyson about his dumb move. Tyson dressed like a girl on purpose.
Jeff shows the dumbest moves before revealing the results from the online poll. J.T. wins and gets a small trophy.
James apologizes to his mother, who I think is fictional.
Coach pretends to manhandle Colby again while Colby said he was disappointed because there wasn't any adventure.
Stephenie uses the stage to promote her restaurant.
They show Coach and Tyson crying together again. Coach explains that he broke down because he wanted people to like him and it didn't work.
The Sprint Player of the Season is between Rupert and Russell, and Russell wins it. He's satisfied to get at least that.
Danielle's still pissed at Russell.
Randy looks like Lex Luthor, or his creepy uncle.
Here's a composite of all the winners:
Jenn Lyon died of cancer.
So, what do we do now? Oh, good, Jeff's going to tell us. We're going to Nicaragua!