Uncommon Survivor: One World - Week 4

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Previously on UNCOMMON SURVIVOR... the women won back-to-back challenges despite living as the worst campers ever. Have you ever seen Without a Paddle? Me either, but I am pretty sure they were worse than that movie.

I was surprised to see Matt go home so early. I think he had a lot to offer us, as far as catchphrases and people to dislike. I didn't even get to post several thousand lawyer jokes I found via Google.

Tarzan thinks Bill is a very dangerous player and that he's smart. This is the same guy who looked like he'd just taken a couple rips off a six-footer at tribal. I bet they think he's going to get the munchies and eat all their food.

Some of the men want to borrow the women's net because the only things the women have caught are snails and dirt. Chelsea marvels at "how the roles have changed in... nine days." That's only about a quarter of the total time in the game. She's going to be blown away in another three days. Despite being offered half the spoils of whatever the men catch, the women stonewall the men again.

Reward Challenge Time! Slingshot Connect Five! The reward is a mobile Dunkin Donuts. Already this challenge could have use a little more beta testing. Connecting with a block just splinters the tiles instead of knocking them back. Kat actually does something good; I'm writing that just for public record. Colton claps when the women score. Christina looks like she's been trimming well down there. Monica puts an end to the men's futility and the women win their third in a row. Tarzan calls it luck; that's usually what you say when you're still in denial over how badly you've been owned.

The women return to camp, put their hands in a circle and yell their team name after counting to three. How often do you get to do that in life? Sabrina tells them to "luck these." Is that even okay for TV? The rest of the men are making excuses, but Bill is preaching that it's time to take them seriously. Having a heart-to-heart on the beach, Leif spills to Bill that Colton wanted him gone. Like most things, this is a bombshell for Bill. Michael the Banker sees their exchange and reports it immediately to his lord and master, Colton. Colton demands a Leif report to his court immediately, calling him a Munchkin who he will send back to Oz. While dressing him down, he calls him an oompaloompa (not to his face, though.)

Tree Mail arrives signifying the next challenge and the presence of puzzle pieces ignites a fiery battle of egos between Alicia and Kat. Paint them as undisciplined if you want, I'm beginning to think the crazier they get, the better they do.

Immunity Challenge Time! Hand-holdy Puzzles! Wouldn't you know it, Alicia and Chelsea can't figure out the puzzle even though Alicia's really good at them and Kat had no right to say she's not partnering with her again. The men take a two stage lead before the women figure out they can look at the men's completed puzzle to advance. This prompts Tarzan to start yelling, "Cheater!" at them. Amazingly, this doesn't do anything to stop or even slow the women. The men easily claim victory. Alicia has no explanation for her lousy performance.

Returning from the challenge, Sabrina makes a play to Kim about voting off Alicia, but Kim is too thick to tell the difference between Christina, who is using a machete for some team-related purpose, and Alicia, who is exfoliating her skin in the ocean.

Trying to sort out the issues, Bill approaches Colton's throne without a summons, which enrages the villainous ruler of the men. Kicking and screaming, Colton refuses to talk to Bill. When the pain of being asked questions is too much to bear, Colton decides it's a good idea to give immunity to the women instead. Colton's side of the story involves Bill "going crazy" and there has been "a betrayal." Are the men jealous at how stupid and incompetent the women are, and now they must outdo them at that, too?

Tribal Council Time! Who will show up? Of course, it's the men. This is very dumb and they are dumb and they are making me feel dumb for watching this. I guess you can say, it's complicated (and dumb). You know it has to be true when Bill recognizes how dumb it is. When asked directly who he doesn't like and why, Colton tells Jeff he doesn't like Bill because he's poor. But don't worry, it's okay that Bill isn't white, because Colton's very close with his black housekeeper. Colton ends his bid for the Republican nomination by talking about how educated and open-minded his friends are and how the rest of Alabama rides home in their trucks adorned with Confederate Flags to their trailers. Standing ovation. Vote Colton Cumbie 2012 (no VP nominated). Tarzan somehow feels that Colton's been painted in the wrong light? Dude, he just won the Republican nomination! Oh, wait, Tarzan wants to be the VP. That old white man is sick and tired of people talking about race. I mean, there's a black president now, isn't that enough? Vote Colton/Tarzan 2012.

Voting Time! Lief, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill. Lief's betrayal suddenly doesn't matter when you find out you've got a poor on your team.

"Super jacked right now."

Next time: Jeff reveals something that was concealed under a handkerchief that changes the game entirely. (It's not Lief.)

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