Uncommon Sportsman - All PostsThe official blog about uncommon sportshttps://cdn.vox-cdn.com/community_logos/30155/uncommon-fave.png2012-05-14T09:01:03-04:00http://www.uncommonsportsman.com/rss/current/2012-05-14T09:01:03-04:002012-05-14T09:01:03-04:00Uncommon Survivor: One World - Finale
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<figcaption>uncommon survivor 24 banner</figcaption>
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<p>Previously on UNCOMMON SURVIVOR; the whole dang thing. A season that started off with promise is winding down in mediocre fashion. It seems the whole Colton thing was a season ago. </p>
<p>I guess it's impressive that the women came back after such a terrible start, but then I start to think about the men they were up against and it's not all that impressive anymore. Leif, Tarzan, Troyzan, ... other guys from the credits. </p>
<p>The ladies talk about how great it is to the be the last ones who are also women. Alicia seems quite confident that it's going to be her, Kim, and Christina in the final three. At least she's going to be surprised. </p>
<p>Sabrina and Kim fetch Tree Mail and discuss who they need to keep from winning; namely Chelsea. Now the rules of the game are to slit the throat of the nicest, most popular person, which means nobody is worried about anyone else's challenge performance ability. </p>
<p>Immunity Challenge Time! There's a lot in this challenge but the jiggly puzzle net is the best. Alicia helps some of her friends out with some troublesome knots because she's too far ahead. The word problem that gives the lock combination is a cruel twist that adds a touch of drama to the end. I'm not good at counting, then running, then remembering what I've counted. Kim finally gets the numbers right after some tense moments. That's a dang good challenge. </p>
<p>Upon returning, Kim and Chelsea go have a heart-to-heart. Kim's got a few options now, and one of them may be a hidden idol trick. The other is leaving her good friend out in the cold. I'm hoping whatever she does is really mean. I'm starved for daggers.</p>
<p>Tribal Council Time! Nobody's even mad at each other until Kim says "loyalty" and Kat shakes her head. Jeff must have seen that and made he talk about it again, turning Kat into an eye-rolling bobblehead doll. Jeff prods them all for last words. Alicia's are the best because they get a reaction out of Troyzan. If you can't say things that make the jury boo and hiss, you aren't doing it right, imo. </p>
<p>Voting Time! Chelsea, Alicia, (Kat whispers that it's going to be Chelsea), Chelsea, Alicia, Alicia. Kat announces that she's now backstabbed her and Alicia. </p>
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<p><a href="http://cdn0.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1067174/100762_D000777bb.jpg"><img class="photo center" src="http://cdn3.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1067174/100762_D000777bb_medium.jpg" alt="100762_d000777bb_medium"></a></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><i>Record holder for most skin covered by blurring. via <a href="https://go.redirectingat.com?id=66960X1516590&xs=1&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cbs.com%2Fbase%2Ffiles%2Fstyles%2F596xh%2Fpublic%2F100762_D000777bb.jpg&referrer=sbnation.com&sref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.uncommonsportsman.com%2F2012%2F5%2F14%2F3019009%2Funcommon-survivor-one-world-finale" rel="sponsored nofollow noopener" target="_blank">www.cbs.com</a></i></p>
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<p>Alicia's proud of Kim but hates Christina because she brought her to the end. Kim and Chelsea think they should bring Christina to the end because she'll torpedo herself in front of a jury. </p>
<p>Tree Mail Again: It's the torch thing. This is seriously the only reason the finale is two hours. I don't like it, you guys. </p>
<p>Immunity Challenge Again Time! A tedious stacking challenge! Sabrina flounders out early. Kim and Christina are bowl and bowl up until the end and Kim's stack of bowls almost falls over and then it doesn't. Let's do the last challenge over again instead of this one. </p>
<p>Back at camp, Kim lays it out straight to Christina, eliminating a good few minutes of content. Now there's plenty of time to burn torches! But after her conversation with Christina, Kim realizes how lame Christina is and might have second thoughts, so I guess there's that. </p>
<p>Tribal Council Time! Jeff figures out Christina is the one going home, but everyone's just going to deny that Christina had no chance. Not only have they been allied since day one, they hated her since day one. They're not trying to take the easy way out, so she doesn't have a shot. Everyone gathers around Christina, throwing garbage on her and spitting at her.</p>
<p>Voting Time! Sabrina, Christina, Christina, Christina. </p>
<p><a href="http://cdn0.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1067192/100762_D000621bb.jpg"><img class="photo center" src="http://cdn3.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1067192/100762_D000621bb_medium.jpg" alt="100762_d000621bb_medium"></a></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><i>The mascot for this season. via <a href="https://go.redirectingat.com?id=66960X1516590&xs=1&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cbs.com%2Fbase%2Ffiles%2Fstyles%2F596xh%2Fpublic%2F100762_D000621bb.jpg&referrer=sbnation.com&sref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.uncommonsportsman.com%2F2012%2F5%2F14%2F3019009%2Funcommon-survivor-one-world-finale" rel="sponsored nofollow noopener" target="_blank">www.cbs.com</a></i></p>
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<p>Morning on Day 39. Sabrina watches the sunrise while thinking about life and all that stuff. Then it's breakfast time. I know this is the Internet, and everyone's overly excited about bacon, but I'd really want some bacon. </p>
<p>Jury Time! Please be good, people. Chelsea does the ol' I Wish We Were Better Friends Speech, Kim does the ol' Remember It's Just a Game Speech, and Sabrina rattles off a decent Underdog Speech. </p>
<p>Jonas starts the questioning off with a decent joke, says Sabrina sucked, calls Chelsea the hottest in the game, and asks why Christina didn't get to be last. </p>
<p>Christina goes next and offers a good question to Kim but a bad question to Chelsea. </p>
<p>Jay asks Sabrina what her strategy was and Sabrina says she had just learned to swim before coming out here. </p>
<p>Michael doesn't really ask a question and he gets kinda preachy. </p>
<p>Tarzan thanks God (big Survivor fan), cries about his wife walking onto the island. It gets all cry-y because everyone's all touched... or hopped up on the scent of a million dollars. </p>
<p>Leif has a lot of feelings about getting taken out.</p>
<p>Alicia compliments herself a lot and then talks about how flattered she is by herself. </p>
<p>Troyzan asks Kim a question that could decide her fate. </p>
<p>Kat has more feelings than Leif about all of this. Then she talks about a series of open-heart surgeries that almost make everyone cry again. </p>
<p>All in all, a respectful cross examination. Better than a stupid one, I guess.</p>
<p>Voting Time for The Last Time! Jeff grabs the ballot box and walks into present day New York City. </p>
<p>The votes: Kim. Sabrina. Kim. Sabrina. Kim. Kim. Kim.</p>
<p>Your Winner:</p>
<p><a href="http://cdn3.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1067204/100762_D001212bb.jpg"><img class="photo center" src="http://cdn2.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1067204/100762_D001212bb_medium.jpg" alt="100762_d001212bb_medium"></a></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><i>"I won." via <a href="https://go.redirectingat.com?id=66960X1516590&xs=1&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cbs.com%2Fbase%2Ffiles%2Fstyles%2F596xh%2Fpublic%2F100762_D001212bb.jpg&referrer=sbnation.com&sref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.uncommonsportsman.com%2F2012%2F5%2F14%2F3019009%2Funcommon-survivor-one-world-finale" rel="sponsored nofollow noopener" target="_blank">www.cbs.com</a></i></p>
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<p>And that's that. I didn't watch the reunion because I went to sleep. Talk about it here. Tell me what I missed. </p>
https://www.uncommonsportsman.com/2012/5/14/3019009/uncommon-survivor-one-world-finaleAxion2012-05-10T09:00:54-04:002012-05-10T09:00:54-04:00Uncommon Survivor: One World - Week 13
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<figcaption>uncommon survivor 24 banner</figcaption>
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<p>Previously on... UNCOMMON SURVIVOR; Kat got all care mad about the reward thing and made too many waves. She got elim'd.</p>
<p>This is it, the second to last episode. Your pedantic friends would say "penultimate" but they're a bunch of weenies. Let us bask in the glory of this system which makes few rich and enslaves a great many for our minor pleasures. Hooray reality television programming. Hallowed be thy game.</p>
<p>Tarzan has dreamed up some crazy scenario wherein he becomes one of the final three. Does Survivor offer any followup care like Hoarders or something? Alicia is turning to Tarzan for reassurance. What fresh hell is this?</p>
<p>The game appears to be sitting at three vs. three; the good girls vs. the misfits. Chelsea and Christina talk it up, which starts a gossip fire that consumes the other ladies. Kim's all worried because she's been playing both sides. Check out this minor drama I'm brewing. You'll be able to drink it down with this low-calorie broth I've made from a boiled celery stalk.</p>
<p>Reward Challenge Time: Afternoon on a yacht if you get all dizzy and carry your frisbee to the thing. This game would be really cool if they integrated drinking alcohol. Shot shots shots shots shots shots. Chelsea solves the thing first but fails the combination twice. Alicia is next, then Kim, but Chelsea figures it out by then. She chooses Sabrina and Kim because Sabrina deserves it, but Kim is her friend more than Christina, so she gets the shaft. The ladies have a nice time with the reward. Showers, champagne, the wind in their hair. What a dream. With Kim being waited on, she feels like herself again. Hail Capitalism.</p>
<p>Alicia is mad about Chelsea's reward selection. The Remainders vow to vote out Chelsea. Or Kim. Someone. Tarzan tries to pry his way into the final three with some convoluted plan. Meanwhile, Kim is over-confident. Or maybe she's not. Sabrina thinks Kim has this magical power. We'll see how that works out without the power of alcohol.</p>
<p>Tarzan decides today is the day he's going to seize his carp of the <i>diem</i> and make rice his own damn way. Christina and Alicia are naturally worried about this. Alicia and Kim compare notes and team up against Tarzan. Looks like his vine has run out. Christina wanders over and now she's in on the plan, too.</p>
<p>Immunity Challenge Time! Fish Hook Puzzle Piece Fish Skeleton; One Handed. Somehow, Alicia wins Immunity. Maybe she is the power player she's told us she is.</p>
<p>Tarzan congratulates Alicia by calling her the B-word. It doesn't go over well. Alicia's butt has been blurred out like four times by now. The network's gotta fill us in on what we've been missing there. Chelsea is upset that Christina, who is like the coolest, might last longer in the game than she has. Alicia and Tarzan pal around about their plan. Basically, everything is up in the air, except for voting for Alicia.</p>
<p>Tribal Council Time! Sabrina talks. Tarzan talks. Sabrina talks again. Jeff makes Tarzan talk some more. He says words, including "afoot", then he talks about the poop clothes he's been wearing, as well as Kat's panties on his head. Kat starts crying. Chelsea and Christina exchange daggers about their reward pact, and Kat calls them bitching.</p>
<p>Voting Time: Chelsea, Tarzan, Tarzan, Tarzan, Tarzan.</p>
<p><a href="http://cdn3.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1064362/100762_D000857bb.jpg"><img class="photo center" src="http://cdn2.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1064362/100762_D000857bb_medium.jpg" alt="100762_d000857bb_medium"></a></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><i>"Afoot" via <a href="https://go.redirectingat.com?id=66960X1516590&xs=1&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cbs.com%2Fbase%2Ffiles%2Fstyles%2F596xh%2Fpublic%2F100762_D000857bb.jpg&referrer=sbnation.com&sref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.uncommonsportsman.com%2F2012%2F5%2F10%2F3011198%2Funcommon-survivor-one-world-week-13" rel="sponsored nofollow noopener" target="_blank">www.cbs.com</a></i></p>
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<p>Next time: It's time to give this season a viking funeral. All women, all the time. Try to stay awake.</p>
https://www.uncommonsportsman.com/2012/5/10/3011198/uncommon-survivor-one-world-week-13Axion2012-05-03T09:01:22-04:002012-05-03T09:01:22-04:00Uncommon Survivor: One World - Week 12
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<img alt="uncommon survivor 24 banner" src="https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/w8mh9xg-GnHMQ0gZ9BH2YsDFjEc=/19x0:580x374/1310x873/cdn.vox-cdn.com/assets/954065/uncomonsurvivor24logo.jpg" />
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<p>Previously on UNCOMMON SURVIVOR: A systematic elimination of the men has left the game in charge of like... two boring chicks. Nobody else has a shot. Chelsea and Kim are like the same person, too. This could go down in blogging history as one of the lamest Survivor seasons ever.</p>
<p>Week 12, huh? If memory serves me correctly, and it usually does <i>not</i>, next week will be thirteen weeks, and that means the finale will be the following Sunday. It can't come soon enough. This season became a lame duck after Colton nearly died of eating poop. Now that I've got you all pumped up to read this recap, let's go!</p>
<p>Kat tells everyone Troyzan's parting words of wisdom. Somehow when they are coming from her, they are less dramatic. Alicia thinks she's the most powerful player left in this game. Like, maybe if it was up to <i>me</i>... but it's not. </p>
<p>Tree Mail is sponsored by Sprint; the little network that couldn't. Now it's time to watch an ad from a 2nd-rate phone manufacturer and a 3rd rate cell carrier. Yeah, you could say I know a little bit about the smartphone industry. *fogs and polishes finger nails*. I don't really wanna talk about what Sabrina said about Tarzan's martial status. You can, but I'm not. </p>
<p>Reward Challenge Time! It's one of those maze things. Jeff names the smartphone as the Evo 3D from Sprint. That's an HTC-manufactured phone for everyone keeping score; the company that finished third last quarter. (I have a feeling that person who wanted me to write about their AT&T vs. Verizon oligarchy thing is going to email me now. Too bad. Unrelated content.) Kat and the cousin she's making my uncomfortable with win the challenge. She chooses Kim and Alicia to go with her because she genuinely likes them as people. I don't have anything snarky or funny to say about that, that's a cool thing to do. (Even if those people are people I'd never hang out with. Ever, ever.) Hangin' out with the bros (or... chickbros) is cool. </p>
<p>Sabrina is all mad about losing and thinking up reasons other people should have gone. Suddenly it's Kat's fault that Tarzan has been married forever and Christina's dad is towards the end of his mortal coil. Chelsea is bitter about this, too. Chelsea says that Kat is "a smart person to take out next" and it's wrong both the first way you hear it, and the second. When the group reunites, Kim and Chelsea compare notes. Instead of Kat, it's probably going to be Sabrina. </p>
<p>Immunity Challenge Time! Dudes (and possible Dudettes)... I don't even know what to call this. Bars. Ropes. Leaning. Surprisingly, Sabrina drops out first instead of Tarzan. Then Tarzan complies with the Laws of Frailty and Oldness. Alicia quits next; eliminate her! Christina quits unceremoniously. After an hour, Jeff does the thing that makes this harder, I guess, and Kat is determined to win simply because Kim has won them all. She begs Kim to let her win, but she can't hold on. She's really pissed about losing. I honestly thought Kat's unbridled selfishness would have let her win out this time, but no. </p>
<p>Now it's down to Sabrina, Alicia, or Kat. Tarzan is apparently forgotten. According to Kim, most people are voting Sabrina because she's smarter. Or maybe it's Kat because she's selfish and doesn't deserve to be in the final three. </p>
<p>Tribal Council Time! Kat talks about making the hardest decision in Survivor: choosing who gets to see their family on the reward. Sabrina think Kat made an honest decision, but a poor one. Next, Kim is dumping on her. Keep in mind, Kat made the best decision for her life, it's not her responsibility to worry about everyone else, who volunteered to leave their old, dying loved ones. It's basically a full-on Kat-dumping party because she's outnumbered by bad people. "Haha, look at her under the bus." Kat doesn't even care that she might be blindsided. I think she just went from the bottom of the barrel to my favorite. Thanks, editing people, for making me dislike her for the whole time. </p>
<p>Voting Time! Sabrina (Kat's vote), Kat, Kat, Kat, Kat. Note that nobody could make eye contact with her. Shameful. OMG they even made her cry.</p>
<p><a href="http://cdn1.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1058606/100762_D000325bb.jpg"><img class="photo center" src="http://cdn0.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1058606/100762_D000325bb_medium.jpg" alt="100762_d000325bb_medium"></a></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><i>Not smart at all... but she won me over in the end. Best quote: "I'm eating my finger nails!" via <a href="https://go.redirectingat.com?id=66960X1516590&xs=1&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cbs.com%2Fbase%2Ffiles%2Fstyles%2F596xh%2Fpublic%2F100762_D000325bb.jpg&referrer=sbnation.com&sref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.uncommonsportsman.com%2F2012%2F5%2F3%2F2995868%2Funcommon-survivor-one-world-week-12" rel="sponsored nofollow noopener" target="_blank">www.cbs.com</a></i></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;">Next time: Tarzan is really bad, old, smelly, and unpleasant, but this could be his saving grace. </p>
https://www.uncommonsportsman.com/2012/5/3/2995868/uncommon-survivor-one-world-week-12Axion2012-04-26T09:00:45-04:002012-04-26T09:00:45-04:00Uncommon Survivor: One World - Week 11
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<figcaption>uncommon survivor 24 banner</figcaption>
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<p>Previously on... UNCOMMON SURVIVOR: we've been miserably making our way to the end. Troyzan is the outlaw that nobody really likes. Especially the women, who are just towing the party line until they have to start eating each other. <br><br>This season, you guys. This season is trying to wear me down. It's like all these people aren't even going to be horrible in any spectacular fashion. They're just going to be boringly bad. It would be excellent if there was a "None" option for the fan favorite vote. All the remaining Survivors would surrender their winnings to us, the viewers. </p>
<p>We're just cruising towards the inevitable now; will Troyzan win immunity or will he not, and get voted out? It's not like he's going to split up the women. Tree Mail hints that they're going to split up. Oh joy.</p>
<p>Reward Challenge Time! It's trivia, which makes for mediocre viewing (as far as challenges go) and even worse recap reading. Sorry everyone. It's really not my fault. It's that damn Mark Burnett. Christina is the one who doesn't deserve to be here. Kim is the one everyone trusts with their life. Troyzan gets burned due to popular vote. Tarzan says a turbonerd thing. Kat most needs a wake up call in life. Tarzan's effigy is burned next, followed by Chelsea. Troyzan is the biggest poser. Sabrina does the least for the tribe. Kat goes up in flames, then Sabrina. Kim is the one everyone likes most, which causes Christina to burn. The one nobody wants to see ever again is Troyzan, and Kim wins because everyone likes her best. She chooses Chelsea and Alicia to go with her. Kat's hurt by the choice and Troyzan's dishing out more reality. </p>
<p>The leading ladies enjoy a helicopter ride and can only compare it to a ride and a rollercoaster, you know, things affixed to the ground. The ladies enjoy a picnic and Kim starts to have second thoughts about her choice. </p>
<p>Kat is having a hard time grappling with the reality that she's not with the In Crowd. Given enough time, I think Troyzan can break her. He's a pretty good button pusher, all told. Sabrina tries to restore faith in Kat but Kat can't really express any emotions without crying. After Kat is away, Sabrina polls Troyzan and Christina for alternate plans, just to see where they're at. </p>
<p>Kim returns and takes Kat aside to chat. Major sideboob blurrage. Kim explains to Kat that it's really complicated and she shouldn't be mad because it's complicated. </p>
<p>The next day, during a storm, a wild pig wanders into camp. Then it's Lord of the Flies. PETA is gonna be real mad with this episode. We're shown Troyzan hating on the whole experiment while leading it. </p>
<p>Suddenly it's Immunity Challenge time, so I guess they didn't get the pig. The challenge is to get all greasy then toss a ring. To made things more sensual, Chelsea and Alicia rub up on each other. Kat lands her first ring and does a dance. Next is the battle of the Zans. Tarzan takes a long time and eliminates Troyzan. Well, I guess that's that. Christina shows us her greased up butt as Kim metaphorically penetrates it. Kat and Chelsea begin round two, Chelsea advances. Troyzan is noticeably standing with his back turned to the game. Tarzan takes a year to get down the course and loses to Kim. Kim and Chelsea start the final round. They're the two best, why not. Kim takes home the win. Well, not <i>home</i> home. </p>
<p>When they return, the pig is still there. That'll do, pig. The plan is to split the vote on Troyzan and Christina in case Troyzan has an idol. With Troyzan's words eating away at her, Kat wants everyone to know that she's actually been the one in charge all along. Sabrina plays it with an eye toward the end game by telling Christina that Troyzan's going home; some of them are still voting for her, but she's definitely not going home. Alicia diagnoses Christina with some kind of intelligence-deficiency syndrome, because she's an expert. Christina tells Troyzan about the vote-splitting plan, which gives him all the information he needs to launch a counter-attack. </p>
<p>Tribal Council Time! Pretty standard talk. Christina's not sure. It's funny that she thinks she's lucky she's here because nobody thinks she deserves it. Troyzan seeing through the lies. It seems like whatever alternate plans they had are broken up now that everyone just hated on Christina. I will say this about her, she's probably a really great person in real life because reality TV is where awful people thrive. None of it matters anyway, Troyzan gets like almost all the votes.</p>
<p><a href="http://cdn0.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1052393/100762_D000170bb.jpg"><img class="photo center" src="http://cdn3.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1052393/100762_D000170bb_medium.jpg" alt="100762_d000170bb_medium"></a></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><i>This is what came up when I googled, I guess it's him. via <a href="https://go.redirectingat.com?id=66960X1516590&xs=1&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cbs.com%2Fbase%2Ffiles%2Fstyles%2F596xh%2Fpublic%2F100762_D000170bb.jpg&referrer=sbnation.com&sref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.uncommonsportsman.com%2F2012%2F4%2F26%2F2976258%2Funcommon-survivor-one-world-week-11" rel="sponsored nofollow noopener" target="_blank">www.cbs.com</a></i></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;">Next time: Will the women implode before they eliminate Tarzan? That's pretty much it. Thanks for reading. </p>
https://www.uncommonsportsman.com/2012/4/26/2976258/uncommon-survivor-one-world-week-11Axion2012-04-19T09:00:53-04:002012-04-19T09:00:53-04:00Uncommon Survivor: One World - Week 10
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<img alt="uncommon survivor 24 banner" src="https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/w8mh9xg-GnHMQ0gZ9BH2YsDFjEc=/19x0:580x374/1310x873/cdn.vox-cdn.com/assets/954065/uncomonsurvivor24logo.jpg" />
<figcaption>uncommon survivor 24 banner</figcaption>
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<p>Previously on... UNCOMMON SURVIVOR: Troyzan avoids elimination by playing his idol, leaving Jay to face the music. The music of the jury. Hey, it wouldn't be a bad idea to play the Night Court theme when losers walk off. <br><br>Man, we are really winding down here. Already on week ten of what I guess is fourteen. This is one of those seasons where I'm not quite rooting for anyone yet. Probably a forgettable season. (Here's to Survivor defying me by making me fall hopelessly in love with one of the remaining Survivors.)</p>
<p>Troyzan knows he's next to go. Look at Christina being all nice about this. More props to her for being diplomatic after she's probably received the harshest words of anyone on Survivor ever. About a minute in, Troyzan becomes hostile during the conversation. I guess this episode is going to be about him being on the outs. Hm. Hmm.</p>
<p>Troy seems to be really devoted to being angry guy. Then he says what women do. As you can probably imagine (what am I talking about, you watched this) it's every bit as politically correct as can be.</p>
<p>Tree Mail: Auction. Yippee? I mean, I guess this is a good study into the psyche of the human ability to establish value; to weigh the pros and cons, but ... never mind. I'm being a jerkbutt. Carry on.</p>
<p>Reward Challenge Time Which Is Actually The Survivor Auction Time! Snazzy black shirt for Jeff. The first thing is iced coffee and some doughnuts. Chelsea kinda looks like Po to me. Don't trust her. The next thing is a margarita, chips, and salsa. As I write this after drinking lots of tequila (your definition of lots may vary), I'd bid a lot of money on that. Although, it would make me really hungry for whatever was coming next because that's what you get at a good Mexican restaurant. Bad bid, I'd say, even though I just said I'd bid. Don't waste your money on an appetizer. The next item is a protein shake and some nanners. Leif wins. Not an efficient use of protein to me. That would do the, umm, <i>taller</i> Survivors a lot better. Kim wins a shower for $40. That could win me a lot of influence. Smellin' all good; what's up ladies, wanna make a pact? Kat wins a BLT and is surprised to find that the B stands for bacon. Kim, from downtown, wins chocolate and peanut butter. Jeff tosses up some letters from home. Alicia bids $500 straight out to get her letter. Kat is surprised someone she knows could write. After Alicia read her letter aloud, Tarzan tosses all his money in for his letter. Troyzan breaks down at the end and cries. Nobody bullies him, much to my chagrin. Christina tosses down a bid, but Troyzan steals the clue to... something. He all mad. A covered item is fiecerely bid on... Kat wins a whole cake... for the tribe to eat in 60 seconds. Awesome. That caps off the auction. Probably the best ending I can remember.</p>
<p>Troyzan Alone Music. Troyzan Alone Interview. Troyzan Alone Letter. Troyzan Alone Looking for an Idol. It's cool how looking for an idol inspires others to look for the idol, too. I mean, sometimes it does.</p>
<p>Immunity Challenge Time! It's a slingshot challenge. Nevermind, that's the third stage. Do some other stuff first, then win. I don't really like these stage-based challenges, I've determined. I don't know why yet. I'm still thinking about it. Tarzan and Troyzan make it to the end, but not Tarman, Turban, Turkmen, or Tanemen. Troyzan wins in everyone's face and does some screaming and dancing about it. Trash talk happens now that he's safe.</p>
<p>After the challenge, everyone gathers 'round to hear Troyzan talk about how much ass he's kicking. Nobody likes it. Instead of Troyzan, the plan becomes Get Rid of Lil Leif. It's kinda weird that Kim and Chelsea are running the game and I can't really tell them apart. Troyzan tries some late swaying, which influences the smart, funny, valuable, intelligent, creative, friendly, and all-around amazing Alicia. Maybe this will result in something? No. No, it will not.</p>
<p>Tribal Council Time! There's some chatter resenting Troyzan's victory. Heated words, maybe. Everyone just hates Troyzan. I mean, I know he was a terrible host for the other challenge last week, but <i>damn</i>. Jeff can't even get a word in edge-wise. The volley is fast and furious between Troyzan and Sabrina. Troyzan's actually got a pretty good plan to eliminate the status quo and he brings it up in the Council. Not many people bring a coherent plan to Tribal; usually they lose their sh*t and sound like an idiot. The leading women are all talking at once, and this passive listener thinks they sound desperate and fearful. I'd make the move.</p>
<p>Voting Time! Troyzan votes for Kim. Kim and/or Chelsea votes for Leif. (I've completely lost my ability to tell them apart.) The votes: Leif, Lief, Leif, Kim, Kim, Tarzan, Tarzan, Tarzan, Leif =(</p>
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<p style="text-align: center;"><i>"I'll never be the head of a major corporation." via <a href="https://go.redirectingat.com?id=66960X1516590&xs=1&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cbs.com%2Fbase%2Ffiles%2Fstyles%2F596xh%2Fpublic%2F100762_D000896bb.jpg&referrer=sbnation.com&sref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.uncommonsportsman.com%2F2012%2F4%2F19%2F2959392%2Funcommon-survivor-one-world-week-10" rel="sponsored nofollow noopener" target="_blank">www.cbs.com</a></i></p>
<p> </p>
<p>Next Time: The only two guys left are the guys with the worst names. Thanks a lot, CBS. Oh, I guess next time the women start fighting amongst themselves.</p>
https://www.uncommonsportsman.com/2012/4/19/2959392/uncommon-survivor-one-world-week-10Axion2012-04-12T09:01:00-04:002012-04-12T09:01:00-04:00Uncommon Survivor: One World - Week 9
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<img alt="uncommon survivor 24 banner" src="https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/w8mh9xg-GnHMQ0gZ9BH2YsDFjEc=/19x0:580x374/1310x873/cdn.vox-cdn.com/assets/954065/uncomonsurvivor24logo.jpg" />
<figcaption>uncommon survivor 24 banner</figcaption>
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<p>Previously on... UNCOMMON SURVIVOR: the women have taken a numbers advantage and threaten to eliminate the men. That decision to vote one of their own off earlier in the game sure has paid off.<br id="1334207588253"></p>
<p>Jay had a dream he was shot by a gun. Troyzan and Tarzan compare notes about their disadvantage, but they left out Taryzan, Tarman, and Troyzon. I can't tell if they are making sense or just gesticulating at each other like frenemy homeless guys.</p>
<p>Tree Mail Time! Was Kat's summary of tree mail the best take they had? I guess this is going to be an unsupervised challenge. The game is Snaring the Points Tree. Troyzan takes over as amateur host. I imagine Jeff laughing at him while watching this over hidden webcams. Tarzan is good at this game. Alicia is terrible. It's all up to Sabrina! And... she fails completely! The "red" team wins another barbecue. I wanna know the Survivor barbecue stats. How many times has it happened? What season had the most barbecues? Seems like this one is winning.</p>
<p>Bartender Troyzan is on a mission to get the ladies drunk. Then we're treated to Tarzan's commentary on the architectural value of the crustaceans that are being cooked on a fire. While the other wander around, Jay and Kat come up with a plan to vote out everyone else before themselves. Good plan.</p>
<p>Kim and Chelsea have emerged as the evil masterminds at this point in the game. The next to go should be Jay or Troyzan, but Chelsea's already given her soul to Jay and he'd be on the jury, so she doesn't want to risk being a dirty liar. The chat ends with a pep talk from Alicia about taking your heart out of the game. What are these wise words coming from her for? Has to be a coincidence...</p>
<p>Jay and Troy still think they are going to the end together... well, except for Jay. He's banking on Kim and Chelsea. This is a pretty nice circle of mistrust. Jay tries to convert Kat to his side, but he doesn't get a firm answer. Somehow Kat is good at the social game? That was pretty smooth. I'm impressed. Jay gathers the girls around and tells them all they're getting rid of Alicia and Christine next. None of them tell him no.</p>
<p>Kim tells Alicia about this false plan to eliminate her. Troyzan suspects their pow-wow to be a strategic one. While fetching another tree mail, Jay tries to feel out Troy's intentions for the challenge while also reassuring him based on his trust in the women.</p>
<p>Immunity Challenge Time! Whew, Jeff's back. A Jeffless episode would be a terrible thing. It's a You Can't Do That On Television Endurance Challenge. If you lower your arm or say "I don't know" you get slimed. Before Jeff can even finish the sentence about the challenge being "on" - Tarzan is out. Before Jeff can offer two cookies and a glass of milk, Christine drops out. What the hell. Sabrina opts for the cookies and milk. To up the ante, Jeff offers cupcakes and milk. Kim and Kat accept the offer. Alicia tells Chelsea she'll let her win because she wants the next Jeff offer. As soon as Jeff brings out the next thing, a covered plate, Alicia calls dibs and jumps out of the challenge. She gets a bowl full of candy and chocolate. After a long stretch of no offers, Troyzan lose his balance. Jeff brings out a tray of chicken wings and beer, the best offer yet, and Jay jumps on it and begins eating without a word. It's just Leif and Chelsea left. Chelsea tells him he'll be less of a threat if he quits. When Jeff comes out with the next food offer, Leif asks Chelsea if she's super serious. She convinces him to jump off and eat the burgs. Chelsea wins immunity.</p>
<p>Chelsea and Kim plan the elusive split vote to get rid of either Jay or Troyzan. Jay approaches and demands to know that it's not him. Of course it's not, buddy. You're in a great spot. Troyzan's paranoia is dead on and he's suspecting Kim is lying to him. Jay doesn't think Troy's worries are valid. Troyzan tells Tarzan to tell Christine to come talk to him, which is a great plan because Tarzan doesn't know anyone's name. Troyzan reveals his idol to Christina... the real Christina because Tarzan chose the correct one. Things are going to get close to becoming almost interesting.</p>
<p>Tribal Council Time! Jeff wastes no time pointing out that the men have lost control. After the Immunity Challenge was when the conspiring truly began. Everyone's been paying attention to everyone else's pants, pockets, and packages. Alicia notices that Troyzan's wearing his carryin' shorts, not his swim trunks. Boom. Game over, buddy. Alicia just nailed you to the wall. <i>Alicia!</i></p>
<p>Voting Time! Jay votes for Alicia, Troy votes for Kim. Kat votes for Troy, too. Tally time! Troy plays his idol. Jeff scratches and sniffs it to confirm its authenticity. The votes: Troy (no! lol), Troy (haha NO again), Kim, Jay, Alicia, Jay, Alicia, Jay, Jay.</p>
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<p style="text-align: center;"><i>"Hard to lie to, easy to cry to."</i> via <a href="https://go.redirectingat.com?id=66960X1516590&xs=1&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cbs.com%2Fbase%2Ffiles%2Fstyles%2F596xh%2Fpublic%2F100762_D000005bb.jpg&referrer=sbnation.com&sref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.uncommonsportsman.com%2F2012%2F4%2F12%2F2942983%2Funcommon-survivor-one-world-week-9" rel="sponsored nofollow noopener" target="_blank">www.cbs.com</a></p>
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<p>Next time: Despite all his rage, Troyzan's still just a rat in a cage.</p>
https://www.uncommonsportsman.com/2012/4/12/2942983/uncommon-survivor-one-world-week-9Axion2012-04-05T09:01:46-04:002012-04-05T09:01:46-04:00Uncommon Survivor: One World - Week 8
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<img alt="uncommon survivor 24 banner" src="https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/w8mh9xg-GnHMQ0gZ9BH2YsDFjEc=/19x0:580x374/1310x873/cdn.vox-cdn.com/assets/954065/uncomonsurvivor24logo.jpg" />
<figcaption>uncommon survivor 24 banner</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Previously on... UNCOMMON SURVIVOR; Tarzan is pretty cray but Jones got voted out instead. No more five star cuisine for all the dumb jerks who voted him out.<br><br>Can I editorialize for a second? Of course I can, nobody gives a schit. Baseball starts today. Real actual Major League Baseball, not the dumb gimmickball they've been doing for a week. Celebrate the springtime with a nice big pouch of Big League Chew and some sunflower seeds. If you do this at the same time and upload to YouTube, I will buy you an adult soda (that's beer.)</p>
<p>Troyzan and Jay decide it's time to unite the membered members of the remaining survivors and eliminate those who are unmembered.</p>
<p>Tree Mail is sponsored by 7-Up. I hope that means the challenge will be playing the <a href="https://go.redirectingat.com?id=66960X1516590&xs=1&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.giantbomb.com%2Fcool-spot%2F61-11746%2F&referrer=sbnation.com&sref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.uncommonsportsman.com%2F2012%2F4%2F5%2F2927214%2Funcommon-survivor-one-world-week-8" target="_blank" rel="sponsored nofollow noopener">Cool Spot game</a>, finding <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0428963/" target="_blank">Orlando Jones</a>, or playing <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_Up_(game)" target="_blank">Heads Up 7-Up</a>. Turns out, it's a giant slide. Alicia can't even imagine the wedgie she's about to receive. Hm. That's the first place you go, huh? Did I say Challenge Time yet? I didn't? Okay. Well... <i>that</i>. The game is some kind of... thing... with a puzzle. The winner gets waterboarded in 7-Up and there will be a BBQ, too. In the first round, there's a lot of flexing muscles. I mean, if you're in to that. Even Jeff says, "we are very tight, right of the bat." The next thing of note that happens is the laws of physics against Alicia's butt. Something about mass times velocity that really brings the hurt. Leif looks adorable on that slide then he flies literally ten feet. Christina ditches her team to look at the puzzle. Maybe that's a good strategy? It's not like there's enough room for everyone's arms to make her presence in carrying the cube worthwhile. Turns out... that might have helped. We'll probably never know. I'm gonna say it did. Christina is cool.</p>
<p>The winners arrive at the 7-Up Oasis, which kinda looks like the an unspecific MTV spring break set. As far as BBQs go, it's a pretty good one. There's some prayer and I'm not gonna belabor the point about the Creator not being pleased with this.</p>
<p>Sabrina and Kim wanna do the same thing back to the men. They so crazy. Now they want to decide who is going home a day early. Double crazy!</p>
<p>Tree Mail arrives in the form of more 7-Up. Just in time to enjoy before the storm! Once the storm is up and running, Tarzan decides it's a good time to pull apart the shelter and burn it. Just, you know... for funsies. Chelsea confronts him but, of course, Tarzan doesn't think it's deserved. He takes Chelsea aside and asks her if the reason she doesn't like him is because of her own negative experiences with her plastic surgeon. Weird schit.</p>
<p>Kim makes a play to Troyzan while they're getting even more Tree Mail to eliminate Mike because he's... I don't know, saying words. True or not, Troyzan's sick of Mike now.</p>
<p>Immunity Challenge Time! A tangled up puzzley mess! It's a sixty piece blocky puzzle so it's going to take a long time. A few hours later, they start to get this challenge under way. After several hours, they find out they've spent all their time doing it wrong. After another hour of frantically cramming pieces around, Jay wins immunity and saves us from an eternity of almost-there puzzle shots.</p>
<p>The plan is to get rid of Christina first because... I mean, I guess you just have to get rid of the desirable people. Troyzan's vote is going to be used to get rid of Mike, though. Jay hears this plan and thinks it means he is next, becoming spooked at the prospect of being severely outnumbered by the women. As a peace offering, Christina is proposed as the new victim. To make it fair, or whatever.</p>
<p>Tribal Council Time! Hey look, it's Jonas! He made the jury! Jeff finds out that nobody thinks they're going home tonight, that means it's a guaranteed blindside. Everyone tries to explain the situation, but Tarzan thinks "the game is a foot" and everyone is playing Jeff. Then for some reason we have Kat trying to translate what Tarzan has said and I want to turn all of this off and delete it. </p>
<p>Voting Time! Christina, Christina, Tarzan, Tarzan, Mike, Mike, Michael, Mike =(, Mike. </p>
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<p style="text-align: center;"><i>"Remember Carson Daly? I'm not him." via <a href="https://go.redirectingat.com?id=66960X1516590&xs=1&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cbs.com%2Fbase%2Ffiles%2Fstyles%2F596xh%2Fpublic%2F100762_D000559bb.jpg&referrer=sbnation.com&sref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.uncommonsportsman.com%2F2012%2F4%2F5%2F2927214%2Funcommon-survivor-one-world-week-8" rel="sponsored nofollow noopener" target="_blank">www.cbs.com</a></i></p>
<p> </p>
<p>Next time: It's a woman's world now. </p>
https://www.uncommonsportsman.com/2012/4/5/2927214/uncommon-survivor-one-world-week-8Axion2012-03-29T09:01:02-04:002012-03-29T09:01:02-04:00Uncommon Survivor: One World - Week 7
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<img alt="uncommon survivor 24 banner" src="https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/w8mh9xg-GnHMQ0gZ9BH2YsDFjEc=/19x0:580x374/1310x873/cdn.vox-cdn.com/assets/954065/uncomonsurvivor24logo.jpg" />
<figcaption>uncommon survivor 24 banner</figcaption>
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<p>Previously on UNCOMMON SURVIVOR... the season took a turn for the bearable with the elimination of King Colton due to medical reasons (I suspect fecal contamination). Praise the Survivor gods, they are swift and just. <br><br>The merge happened, too. The lack of feigned excited rhyming this year means two things: it wasn't that exciting of a merge and it was largely overshadowed by Colton's elimination.</p>
<p>Returning from the vote, the competitors are greeted with a wine and cheese suaré. Like a hot girl starting her story about the time she was the drunkest, they didn't have any dinner. In no time, they're a little buzzed. And buzzed Surviving is drunk Surviving. Without a mastermind to think up her strategies, Alicia is going to have to charm her fellow tribemates with her winning personality.</p>
<p>Bat country. Breakfast at camp consists of diced coconut with sea water gravy. Somehow they think this will taste like potato chips? Has it been that long that they've forgotten what potato chips taste like? The first conflict arises over the coffee share; it's only for those who won it. Tarzan hears "won" as "want" and he wants coffee. When it's explained to him that it isn't his, he spends the rest of breakfast looking like <a href="http://i.imgur.com/rDL0w.jpg" target="_blank">cupcake dog</a>.</p>
<p>Tarzan petitions Michael to reunite the Man Tribe with Alicia as the swing vote. Michael agrees but it's a false promise. He hates Tarzan.</p>
<p>Reward Challenge Time! Buried Treasure Puzzle! The folks are split up into tribes for the purposes of this challenge only. The challenge starts off with lots of fun when Leif gets stuck under the first obstacle. You know the hole in the ground is not big enough when stickwoman Kim can't get through the hole, but Alicia takes no time at all. Surprisingly, Kat is the one who makes up some ground. Sabrina kinda takes a nap in the hole she's digging which makes it a much closer match. For some reason, the blue team selected Tarzan and Jonas for the puzzle. Jonas is fine, but Tarzan doesn't know anyone's name or how to communicate. The orange tribe wins so hard Alicia's breasts come flying out. I mean, I guess that's not really news at this point. It's like saying "Kat ate her own skin, hair, and nail trimmings." Tell me something I <i>don't</i> know.</p>
<p>The winning tribe gets to eat a bunch of pizza, which, if it were me, I would eat a lot of and then vomit later. I have a complicated relationship with pizza. I'd also probably turn my nose up to their beer offering. "I'm sorry, is this a craft beer? No? Well, no <i>thank</i> you." Alicia reads the reward clue for the rest of the tribe.</p>
<p>The challenge losers spend their time moping around camp. Leif has sand in every orifice. Michael compares Man Tribe notes with Jonas, and of course, Jonas has no clue about Tarzan's proposal to Michael. Jonas drops a classic reality TV cliché, calling another person a loose cannon. Folks, we haven't used cannons for 200 years. Let's put this one to bed. Jonas sits down with Tarzan and it looks like it's a mere few seconds before Tarzan's inability to communicate with other humans results in saying illegal swears and blurred mouths on both sides. Rather than actually say why Jonas could be wrong, Tarzan decides to "drop out of the tribe" (whatever that means) and leave the alliance, of which he wasn't really a part. Michael walks up as the argument begins to peter, but Tarzan ratchets up the drama by telling Jonas that he doesn't like him and to not talk to him anymore. And with that, he threw a smoke bomb at the ground, shouted "Shazaam" and turned into Colton. Just kidding, but damn. Tarzan swears that when he says something, he means it, except he says a lot of things that barely make sense, and I don't even think he's listening to his own words.</p>
<p>Troyzan, the young Tarzan, spends the early morning looking for the hidden idol. Looks like it took about twenty minutes.</p>
<p>Immunity Challenge Time! Balance balls on a disc (that's dee, aye, ess, see) for the longest time. I had a friend that worked as a busboy and he could do this with his for hours. As soon as the challenge starts, the Survivor gods send a gust of wind that eliminates Tarzan by blowing on his single ball. With two balls on her plate, Christina drops out, as does Michael, Chelsea, and Kim. Grab your balls, everybody. What's Jeff using for a timer, anyway? Three balls is too much to handle for Alicia, then Jay. Troyzan's balls haven't moved in a long time. Jonas drops his balls, too. A breeze eliminates Sabrina. Leif drops a ball. It's down to Troyzan's unmoving balls versus Kat's wise-beyond-her-years ball skills. Before too long, Kat falls from her perch, giving Troyzan the victory. He's got a case of the Bills, just having an acid freakout about winning.</p>
<p>After the challenge, Chelsea and Jay decide to keep the former tribal lines intact and vote out Jonas first, because he's a great cook. The plan is met with zero resistance from the rest of the alliance, except for Troyzan, who really values the menu Jonas has been preparing. For some reason, instead of hashing this out with his alliance, he behaves like an outsider and tells Jonas straightaway about the plan.</p>
<p>Jonas takes the opportunity to apologize head-on to Tarzan and it was such a beautiful and refreshing moment in the game, Tarzan sheds a few tears and accepts Jonas back into his alliance as a respected individual. The new plan is getting rid of Kat, and maybe Michael, but probably Kat.</p>
<p>When it's laundry time, Tarzan assures Sabrina that the skidmarks on his underoos are just dirt and not poop. When someone says that, you know something's up. Add that to the fact that Colton nearly died from eating poop, it really starts to fit together. Also, Tarzan is borderline senile, so poop isn't entirely unexpected. As if he sensed people's seeds of belief starting to sprout, Tarzan sprays weed-killer on them by saying that even if it was poop, they wouldn't have to worry. It's poop, guys. When the poop and underwear tea is boiling, Tarzan says it's not poop like five more times, convincing everyone else that it's poop. Kim or Chelsea or whoever now doesn't want their undies in the tea now. This is how society breaks down, people. You shit your drawers and everything falls apart. Lesson in microbiology aside, nobody wants to know about poop. It starts to look like a kindergarten recess with everyone standing around in a circle staring at the kid who shat himself. The new plan is getting rid of Tarzan and his pooper. Worse than dead weight, he's dead weight that poops.</p>
<p>Tribal Council Time! I just want them to talk about the poop. Instead of that, Jonas decides to announce he's voting for Michael. This flips Tarzan's crazy bit from 0 to 1 and decides now he doesn't respect Jonas. A cool thing to do is interrupt someone, say very little, and finish with saying that's all you're going to say. I need to work that into my repertoire. Before you know it, Jonas is outing the plan to vote for Kat, too, blaming Tarzan for the whole thing. Tarzan naturally doesn't like this and decides it's time to vote out Jonas. Kim comes to Jonas's defense, as does Sabrina. Jonas is a cool dude. He's making sushi and ish out there. Tarzan is used to not hearing any dissenting opinions. The backfire against Tarzan seems like it's pretty much past its apex at this point.</p>
<p>Voting Time! I won a chance to be on an episode of Survivor and you can see me during this these frames. I'm the marker they use to write with. Hi.</p>
<p>The votes: Jonas, M1ke, Michael, Jonas, Jonas, Jonas, JØnas, Jonas, Jonas :(</p>
<p>Jonas parts wishing them ironic luck with their food situation.</p>
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<p><br id="1333007047767"></p>
<p>Next time: Paranoia sets in and all kinds of people are talking and nobody knows what's goin' on.</p>
https://www.uncommonsportsman.com/2012/3/29/2910310/uncommon-survivor-one-world-week-7Axion