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American Gladiators 1/8/2008

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I'm going to live blog this thing and I'm going to try to not get worn out before the hour is done. Looking around the other blogs, I'm apparently the only person in America who enjoyed American Gladiators. Against the grain is my motto.

First contender tonight: Radioactive Jeff. Jeff rolls tires and has been intimate with exactly one woman. Jeff is super pleasant.

Jeff in the Gauntlet... Got beat up pretty good. Didn't hit the wall in time, but he roared the roar of a man who's been intimate with exactly one woman.

What's this second guy's name? Adonis? He's an engineer who can do one handed pushups. I bet he busts through that wall.

Adonis in the Gauntlet... DUDE. Justice totally cheated right there. Adonis had the right technique of misdirecting the big, long pillows and running straight at the guys with the cube pillows on their fists.

Christie is a blackbelt, milf. Peppy.

Christie in the Gauntlet... COMMERCIAL! Christie should know all about misdirection. I bet she puts the first couple gladiators on their muscular yet feminine behinds.

OK, we're back. Let's go, Christie. She's apparently going with the old run-straight-at-the-gladiator technique, which is terrible. She swore she could run through them. She should've misdirected. Oh well. Still milfy.

Next up, Siene. Anything milfy that Christie has going for her, Siene has going three times as much. Literally, she has six kids to Christie's two. Apparently, Siene used to be fat.

Siene in the gaungtlet... WOW. I didn't think Siene was gonna do that. Hellga seemed to give up a little there.

Adonis gets the full 10 points that Justice tried to gyp him of. Justice is a wannabe gypsy.

I'm starting to realize that this is a terrible live blog. Oh well. I gotta leave everything on the field. 150%. Give it my all. Just like Adonis just said. Every single sports cliche in 7 seconds.

The dudes are going up the wall. I think of all the events, this is the one that I'd be most  nervous about. I hate the feeling of getting chased. I think I'd pee my tights. Actually, that would probably help if I dripped frightened urine on my pursuer. Jeff makes it. Adonis ends up in the water.

The milfs take on the joust now. Ooh! Crush! I crush on Crush. Go Crush! YES! Christie ends up in the pool.

Let's see what Siene does. Siene's lines seem very forced. Somebody just held up a sign talking about crushing on Crush. OOF!!! Jeez. That looked rough. Siene decided to go with the old strategy of get your ass beat on before ending up in the water.

Jeff is on the Earthquake thing. Militia looks ready. One of our friends in high school once dated a guy who was such a scrub, calling him "Scrub" wasn't enough, so we called him "Scrub Village". Militia's name reminds me of Scrub Village. COMMERCIAL!

OK We're back. Wait, you don't have to stay on the platform to score the full ten? Jeff's strategy was perfect then. Just grab that guy and wait for the platform to lean and slide you off.

Adonis grabbing and exposing some Gladiator ass, but it's not enough to take him down. It was enough to get half a Militia moon though.

Christie on the Hang Tough rings. I like Christie's technique. She appears to be going on the offensive. AH. One more second and she would've scored some points.

Siene's turn. Siene sounds very very scripted. Here she goes... Dude, Siene did that perfectly. That was awesome. She seemed to float along quite nicely.

Wife came home and I had to put away some groceries, so I return just in time for the Eliminator. Adonis has bad form on the net. You want to hold onto the vertical ropes as opposed to the horizontal ones. It's pretty close going up the pyramid. It'll all depend on who hits the final ramp without screwing it up...

Final ramp. Jeff falls once... Jeff falls twice... Adonis falls once... Jeff has it kinda figured out... Adonis falling... Ummm... Let's go dudes. The show ends in 10 minutes. Adonis falls. Jeff falls. Adonis falls. Jeff falls. Adonis falls. Jeff falls. Adonis falls. OMGWTF.

Seriously. Now they both take a break and start over. Adonis might have it this time. Adonis does it! Jeff behind him! HOLY HECK!!! Adonis wins!

The milfs take on the Eliminator. Christie's gonna give it 110%. Earlier, Adonis looked to give it 150%. Christie better find an extra 40% to make up the lead that Siene has. Siene is flying. Christie's not looking so bad, but she seemed to be the weaker swimmer. Christie's hurting after the net. Siene can't handle the hand bike. WTF. How did Siene get up the ladder so quick? Can Siene fly? That's the only explanation.

The final ramp. Siene f_ckin' KILLED the final ramp. Christie's passed out somewhere in Burbank. Siene deserves the win. She's a Gladiator.