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WX13 Preview, bros

Oh, you didn't know the Winter X Games 13 starts Thursday? Me either. I don't get much TV here in The Vault, just what I can get through the tubes.

Thursday night's telecast on the four letter network features the Snowmobile Speed & Style Finals, which is jumping in the air with a snowmobile and trying to avoid being crushed by it; Skiing SuperPipe Men's Finals, which sounds like a smoking contest; and Snowboard Big Air Finals, which, obviously is some kind of reference to abusing inhalants.

Friday is the first round of Snowmobile SnoCross; pummel your genitals with a machine, then freeze them. After that, it's Snowboard SuperPipe Women's Finals; drugs and women, rounded out with Snowmobile Next Trick, where riders are encouraged to maim or otherwise cripple themselves in new and interesting ways.

[ via the four letter network ]

Saturday afternoon is where the money is at with all the snowboard action everyone is there to see. ABC HD has Snowboarder X Men's & Women's Finals and Snowboard Slopestyle Men's & Women's Finals. Then it's back over to the four letter later that evening, (gawd, so much channel changing) for SuperPipe Men's Elimination: Smoke 'til your lungs bleed, Snowmobile SnoCross Finals; more fun crotch-pounding action, and Skiing Big Air Final: take a whip-it and try to do ski jumps.

Sunday is all the rest - since there's no football, ABC has all day to dick around. Skier X Men's & Women's Finals - try to guess who is skiing before they reach the bottom of the mountain, sort of like Action 20 Questions; Snowmobile Freestyle Elimination: Last  rider alive leaves with his life; Skiing Slopestyle Elimination & Final - Skiing while striking various poses, and finally Mono Skier X Final - Guess who's got the EBV virus!

Sunday evening it's back to the four letter for Snowmobile Freestyle Final, which is naked snowmobile jumps, and Snowboard SuperPipe Men's Final - make it to the bottom of the mountain without breaking the elaborate waterpipe.

Sponsoring the gold medals this year are Edge shaving gel, Jeep, Taco Bell, and the United States Navy. I'll take the U.S. Navy gold medal instead of the Taco Bell medal, please. Oh hey, and if you happen to be in Aspen, you can ride the mechanical Taco Bell Sauce Packet. Please, someone send me a photo of that.