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Survivor 18: Week 6 - Tocanfifteens

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Check this out dudes, not only did we get ripped off last week by March Madness, this week, it's a recap episode. Welcome to, UNCOMMON SURVIVOR: The First 15 Days, where they had too many episode slots and not enough content, so they threw this together while compiling their precious brackets.

There are no spoilers, because although they say there's previously unseen footage, there's really nothing new happening. But you should come inside anyway, I bought muffins and made orange drink. No roofies, pinkie swear.

All the way back to riding in the truck! I'm sort of glad they added to this, because in the opening scenes they only showed the truck pulling up. Everyone gives their first impressions. Sierra was sick and didn't care about anything. I think she's cool because she pretends she doesn't care about anything. Tyson's first assessment of Coach was that he was a cross between Steven Seagal and The Last of the Mohicans, but he somehow interpreted this as a good thing. Coach expected to be leader from the get-go; surprise, surprise. Stephen also likened him to Steven Seagal. Cut your pony tail, already.

Team Red started out questioning J. "Jake Peavy" T., the Alabaman, as he explained the map to them. They didn't think he's very smart. Keep in mind, this guy lost a freakin' tooth in a challenge. Taj's plan is to kill with kindness, but she thinks she looks fat. I don't know what that has to do with kindness. She explains that she's not really fat, just muscular. I don't care, I'd break the O-line and tackle that, offsides penalty be damned.

Day 2 at Timbiria without fire was pretty bleak. They ate uncooked beans. I haven't done that since last Thursday. They caught a minnow and ate it, too. They show several scenes with CANDANCE, I miss her. They find and eat some "Brazilian Cherries" that are barely edible. This is probably what made Jerry sick.

Jumping to Day 7 at Jalapao, even with flint and a machete, Stephen can't make fire. We are on Survivor 15 here, and this guy is on the show, can't make a fire with flint. Get out of my TV, go home, you don't belong here. Speaking of get out of my TV, it's a previously unaired shot of crazy bus driver Sandy with her knees about three yards apart. Thanks for that, too. After watching the men execute flawless fail, Sydney steps up to the plate and starts the fire.

Day 7 at Timbira is all about Tyson. He's naked again. Somehow his lavender V-neck shirt is charming everybody. Coach is attracted to him, but "not in a sexual way." So busted. Debbie, the school principal, jumps on him and humps him from behind as he's bent over, but then her boobs fly out and she has to stop. I forgot Tyson's a Mormon. I think he might be my favorite Mormon.

Day 8 at Timbira, Sierra's feeling better, and Coach thinks it's time she cooked the beans. She doesn't think  she can do it alone, someone needs to tend the fire as she stirs the beans. I don't know where she gets the idea that your standard kitched fits more than one woman. Coach is condescending towards her, but assures us he wasn't. While they collect fruit, he gives her his little locker room spiel and she eats it up. They hug. I throw a beer can at the screen.

Day 8 at Jalapao, Sandy is covered in soot. Everyone is extremely dirty, but nobody is as dirty as Sandy. Not surprised. J.T.'s idea is to raise the shelter off the ground. Sydney is behind him, she also is in support of his idea. Stephen tries to contribute, but he's unskilled in everything, so he just helps convert oxygen to carbon dioxide. The shelter ends up being raised about two feet, keeping them off the ground and out of the dirt and soot from the fire.

Back to Timbira, tribal leadership is still up in the air because, despite Coach's assertion of dominance, nobody believes in him. Brendan and Coach have been butting heads around camp, and it's taken the form of a bench-making contest. They each make a rope swing, and Coach's is apparently better. Brendan graciously high-fives him and Coach's ego grows three sizes.

Over at Jalapao, Sandy and Taj bathe together. Taj is being eaten by bugs, the number one deterrent of hot-Survivor-glow. She is, again, worried about the way she looks. Stephen comes down and helps make her feel better, but she is crying in the confessional.

Morning 10 at Timbira begins with discussion of a snake in the camp. Coach says he had a nightmare about that time he was in the Amazon, and screamed, "SNAKE" in the middle of the night. Debbie finds a snake-skin near their shelter, and Coach says, "I told you I saw a snake." Yeah, that's what you said, alright.

Over at Jalapao, Joe and J.T. invent Jatoba Ball - baseball with jatoba pits, but no bases. The strike zone is over the fire pit. J.T.'s pitching, but he's throwing underhanded, which is a shame, because being from Alabama, I bet he has a mean tailing fastball and a slider that dives like a swallow. He's still throwing spitballs, though.When it's his turn to his, he cranks a pit all the way down to the river where Taj is bathing.

After voting out two people, on day 10 Coach calls assembly. He's such a tool. He pretends to compose a symphony, and Erinn thinks he's the biggest joke on the planet. Maybe not on the planet, but he's a joke with legs, that's for sure.

Day 13 at Timbira has Coach and Tyson sneaking away to make plans. Coach wants to get rid of Erinn, but Tyson thinks she can be useful for a few more votes. Coach declares his love for Tyson, and they share an intimate moment while alligators mock their sexuality from the water.

Over at Jalapao, Stephen and J.T. bond on an outing. They fish, they talk, they walk around shirtless.

Later that same day at Exile, Stephen and Brendan bond while doing manly exile things. They pick up a used snake skin, they build a fire, they share a long walk on the dune. When it begins to rain, they spoon. Stephen's confessional is all about the amount of man he was able to get his hands on. Brendan is not ashamed, he's down for, you know, whatever. As the sun rises, they make shadow-shapes together. And you all voted Yes on 8. What have we done?

And that's all, with eleven survivors left, there's been three blind-sides, and there's plenty of stock wildlife footage to show us in transition scenes. Next Thursday, delicious cake in the form of original content returns. The episode promises a turn on Coach, but also a turn on Taj.

In the closing scene, Tyson drops some mad innuendo with Debbie. Best. Mormon. Evar.