Uncommon Survivor: Nicaragua - Finale

Previously on UNCOMMON SURVIVOR; The whole season happened up until Jane getting voted off. Let's see, who's left?

Dan: He's stumbled (literally) the whole way. If he wins, it'll be due to someone else's self-sabotage. 

Holly: The Josh Hamilton of Survivor Nicaragua. Starting out a little crazy, a patented Jimmy Johnson pep talk set her on the path to the end. Still kinda nutty. 

Chase: He changes his mind like an 80s shopping montage; also banned from one, if not both, of the Carolinas.

Sash: The smartest player left, often finds himself in control of the game, weird chest hair patterns.

Fabio: Once I was worried he'd maim himself, now he could win. Still worried he'll maim himself. 

This is a two hour special, so the post is roughly twice as long. Since you'll be here awhile, I recommend a pee can. Wonko proposed the idea of a drinking game for each time the word, "threat" is used, so you should go back and drink to your recording. I recommend Nicaragua's national drink, the Macuá: two parts rum, two parts guava juice, one part lemon juice, sugar to taste. Blend with 1 cup ice and serve in a highball glass... or, if last week's teaser was any indication, a 7-11 Double Gulp. And don't garnish it, this isn't a fashion show. 

Fabio, armed with the knowledge of the Chase-Holly-Sash alliance, begins to work on Holly to change her mind. Unfortunately he's doing all this while Dan is there. Next he works on Sash, but Sash is prepared to tell him whatever he wants to hear. 

Immunity Challenge Time! Nicaraguan Trivia with puzzles! Holly, Chase, and Sash get all the questions right and begin their puzzles, but Chase drops one of his pieces and he doesn't realize it. Fabio got one wrong and has to go back, and Dan is predictably holding up the rear. The second biggest surprise was Dan actually getting to see all his puzzle pieces. The biggest one? Fabio's huge comeback to steal immunity from Sash. I'm starting to think someone's Flowers for Algernon'd him. 

Back at camp, Fabio receives everyone's congratulations. Dan is the obvious choice for everyone to vote out, for every except Fabio, that is. He begins working on Chase, but Chase thinks the fact that Dan hasn't done anything, include piss people off, he's a bigger threat than Holly. Fabio takes this news to Dan and explains to Dan that three is more than two, and it would be better if he were part of the three than the two. Dan decides this logic checks out, and they both go to Sash to tell him the idea. Sash answers with his standard line up until this point, "I would like for that to happen," but Dan holds him to that, if he really wants that, he has the power to do it. From there, Fabio and Sash sneak away, mostly to get away from Chase, and Fabio gives him his pitch. Sash cannot deny any of the points Fabio raises, and looks like he may have changed his mind. Toward the end of this conversation, Holly comes up to ask what they were talking about because she thought she heard her name. Note to self: give everyone secret codenames. They both tell her they're voting for Dan, same plan as always, which prompted the need for this important and secretive meeting. Holly's not buying it, but her plan for survival primarily relies on hope. 

Voting time! Jane is still scary as hell. Call Rob Zombie and get this woman cast in his movies. All of them. Dan gives up that his strategy has been playing the rich guy who nobody will vote for in the end. Holly is asked why she thinks she might be in trouble, and she imagines hearing Dan say he wants all four guys at the end, as if Dan were in the position to even much such a request. Dan explains that's not it, it's because she's a threat. Holly is struck by disbelief. Moi? A threat? She demands to know why he thinks this. He points to where she's from and she tries to deny that as relevant. Jeff tells her the important thing is that the perception is there. From there, she tries to say reasons why Dan's a threat, not realizing she's incriminating herself as well. Fabio finishes with compliments and flattery about Holly, but Jeff is quick to point out those are also warnings. Voting time! Jeff reads 'em off: Dan, Dan, Chase, Dan. Holly is spared and Dan serves his purpose. Kinda sad that more humans cried at the loss of the chicken that served its purpose than the Dan that served his purpose. Dan is bitter about being sent to the jury, it's clear he's going to be rooting for Fabio. 

"Nice knee, hope that holds out for you, said the photographer" via www.cbs.com

The next day, Fabio goes for a swim/pee while Holly and Chase confer and add up their chances. They're both not very popular with the jury. Chase and Fabio retrieve tree mail and ... it's the stupid remembrance part. The final four say a thing they think about the person, and the person gets to say some final words. The best part was Shannon the Homophobe acting like he was better than everyone, acting like he chose to leave because everyone else was immature and stupid. The runner up was NaOnka talking up the way she stole things and was generally a petulant child all the time. In her opinion, she was "literally" the smartest person there, despite using the word "literally" wrong on numerous occasions. A special note on the other quitter: her reputation back home is "not a quitter." I'm sure that's what everyone says about her. The final four arrive atop a mountain and burn the wooden shields they've collected. Then they link arms and lean over the fire to breath the precious paint fumes.

From there, it's Final Challenge Time! Build a tower of coins on a sword held up on a shield. I've got to think the guys have the advantage here because they have more experience holding their swords in a similar fashion. The coin towers grow and, due to the melting chocolate inside the coins, they're uneven, so the towers stand precariously. Holly's stack tumbles and she takes a seat. Chase's tower falls from the very next coin. Eventually, Sash's coins fall and Fabio completes his running of the table.

Fabio is super-stoked about getting to listen to everyone beg him to take them to the end. Holly announces she's going on a water run and takes Chase with her. Sash remarks to Fabio that she must be nervous. Fabio smiles and replies, "Yeah... or you." Sash straightens up upon hearing this and asks Fabio what he's thinking. Fabio gives him wishy-washy answers. Sash tries to rally Fabio's support by naming the members of the jury and speculating who they'll vote for. Fabio's trying to hold back his trollface the entire time. He basically gets Sash to declare his undying man love to him, and then pities him for it. Later, Chase asks Fabio what they talked about, and Fabio's honest about it. This makes Chase angry and they go to talk. Chase tells Fabio what their plan was the whole time and also admits that they weren't ever going to bring him to the final three. Holly later makes her small pitch to Fabio, too. Fabio says he has a lot to think over and he's really thinking about everything. That settles it, man... brain chemicals; that has to be it. 

Tribal Council Time! Fabio is beaming and Jeff asks him what's up. Fabio gleefully tells his story. Jeff asks Sash what his plea was. Sash tells him only part of what they talked about, and then goes on to explain how he's made a ton of alliances to get here. Fabio asks Sash directly if he would have taken him to the final three if he'd won. Sash says he "believes" that he would have taken him as he'd promised. This surprises Holly and the jury is in stitches. Jeff asks him to clarify, and Sash tries to evade the question before admitting that he told two groups of people the same thing. Holly tells what her plea was, too. Jeff gives them all one last chance to beg for their lives before they go to vote. Jeff gets the votes and begins to read: Sash, Holly, Holly... Holly. She had an impressive run. She gave us craziness and a good player, and she probably would have won.

A Holly upskirt? Thanks CBS! via www.cbs.com

Jeff sends them back to prepare their final pleas. Fabio's still super-stoked. Chase is excited that he made it this far, but Sash is demoralized. Sure, he made it, but every one of his past transgressions came back to haunt him. 

The morning of Day 39 is greeted with your standard celebration and complete breakfast. They share a toast and nourish themselves in celebration. Chase tries to flatter Fabio to make him overconfident. 

Before they leave, they burn their shelter. Is that just because there was nothing to do? Smokey the Bear would choke a bitch. 

Final Council Hearings! Chase talks to the jury first and begs on all questions. Fabio goes next and his plea is heartfelt and honest. Sash goes last and tries to talk up his strategic play while apologizing for his lies.

Questioning! Brenda goes first and asks Sash about his backstabbing. Sash apologizes. Brenda questions Chase about why he voted for her. Sash disagrees with the answer and a small argument breaks out. Marty goes next and asks who Chase thinks the Dumb as a Bag of Hammers award should go to, with the caveat that the answer can't be Marty. Chase cries off answering, calling it a BS question. Jeff doesn't make him answer so Marty moves on. Marty moves on to Sash, calling him a cerebral player and pausing to explain to Chase that that means smart, and then finishes with a compliment to Fabio. Holly goes next, asking Chase what his best strategical move was, Fabio if he thinks his last three consecutive wins were too little, too late, and asks Sash if he lied to her. Chase talks about an early move he made, Fabio tells her he thinks his timing was perfect, and Sash admits he lied. Jane goes next, insulting the citizens of New York City, Sash, and his mother. Fabio laughs. She moves on to Chase and tells him she had the time of her life, so what he would do with the million dollars. He says 1/10th of it would go to cancer research and caring for his parents. Fabio wants to do the second part, too. Benry goes next, telling Chase he doesn't want to hear anything from him, Fabio gets congratulations, and Sash gets asked what he thinks was wrong with Benry. Sash answers with some kind of compliment. Dan goes next and calls Sash a bunch of names before finishing with a plastic surgery recommendation. He criticizes Chase for backstabbing everyone before telling him that beauty fades and dumb is forever. Next comes Kelly Legs and she asks Sash to explain in 60 seconds to explain how he played. He answers in a satisfactory manner. NaOnka goes next and asks him if seeing his mom helped him get to the end. He talks for a little bit before he can't hold back his emotion and says it did help him. Everyone wipes away tears. If you didn't tear up, you deserve coal for Christmas. Alina goes last and criticizes Fabio for being young before asking Sash what makes him so special. Finally, Chase gets his chance to talk before Fabio and Sash chime in for their final pleas.

Voting time! Marty tucks his Fabio boner in his waistband and writes his name down. Alina votes for Chase because of what he'd said today, which tells me she had no idea who she was voting for before this night. Dan votes for Fabio. Brenda writes Chase's name down and stares at it for awhile before putting it into the ballot box. Jeff collects the votes and walks off into the night, through a time rift, and into the present day. Jeff talks about how this started out as young vs. old, (moar leik dung vs. mold, amirite?), and there's the three young guys left. 

Jeff begins to read the votes. Fabio, Chase, Fabio, Chase, Chase, Chase, Fabio, Fabio. All tied up... one vote left. The winner of Survivor Nicaragua is.... FABIO!

Looks like Jesus, richer than Jesus, but can't walk on water.  via www.cbs.com

Celebrate! I can't believe Chase got as many votes as he did. Jeff teases the rest of the episode in order of how bad you want to hear it. Was Fabio dumb or being cool? NaOnka will say things and people want her fired. Then some other stuff. 

Discuss the rest of the finale in the comments. You have to.