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Uncommon Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains - Week 3

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Previously on... UNCOMMON SURVIVOR; jbox's fave (that's Boston Rob, for you newbloods) passed out from the Samoan flu and got free water and chill time, James revealed a part of his personality that suggests he had no mother, and poor Stephenie was sent packing. 

So far, the Heroes started out heroic, but lost their way when they couldn't win an Immunity Challenge. The Villains, who can't do a thing together anywhere else, transform into a well-oiled machine during Immunity Challenges.

Fresh off last episode's vote, tensions are running high, but everyone's pretending to smile in the dark. Tom doesn't forgive James, but I guess since he's been established as being in the minority it doesn't matter much. J.T. apologizes to Tom for turning on him. Tom and Colby plan to be smarter. 

Over in Mordor, Russell and Parvati are joined at the pelvis in the dead of night. One thing that's great about Survivor night vision is the way they can capture eyerolling. As Parvati and Russell sniggle (snuggle+giggle), Coach strokes Jerri's hair and rolls his eyes, and jbox's fave is boiling mad. He says if you want to know who's in an alliance, watch where they sleep. He's very right, and he identifies these alliances as huge threats, and he would know, his resulted in marriage. 


The next morning, at Camp Hero, James expresses his rage on a coconut. Rupert says, "Fractured, this tribe is. A rainy day, it needs. Without cohesion, continue to lose, we will." They build a new chicken coop, and a chicken escapes what seems like immediately. Rupert is able to make a diving snag to get one, but the other isn't coming without a chase. It runs into their shelter, and Tom is able to pounce on it when it came out. Rupert thanks the Old Ones for the bonding opportunity. 

Shoot back over to Mordor, where Evil Russell is getting protips from Coach about staying away from Parvati because people will look for any excuse to vote him out. If I were Russell, I'd take that as an indication that Coach wants to vote me out. Jbox's fave walks over to the pow wow and echoes Coach's warning. Jbox's fave says he'll give him the benefit of the doubt this one time. Russell's frustrated that jbox's fave thinks he's the leader, but he's not doing anything to take that role from him. His plan is to wait him out. Russell goes to tell Parvati what happened, further cementing his alliance with her. She's at the point where she needs him now.

That night, Coach is telling another Coach story. Russell sneaks away and buries the machete; his classic chaos move. He even speculates about what it would be like if jbox's fave lost his precious Red Sox hat and declares his allegiance to the Houston Astros. That would be fantastic. Please do it, Russell, please!

The next day, it's another classic scene, the Coach faux-Tai Chi chuan intro.


Randy has a "giant" clam that needs opening, and the machete is nowhere to be found, so he goes after it with a rock. He's disappointed that there wasn't a victory arch erected for him to march through for bringing home his wonderful bounty of a "giant" clam. He finally gets it open and shares it with Sandra. Parvati tries some, but it makes her gag. Randy resents her beauty because apparently his whole life, pretty people have walked all over him. He takes his issues to Coach, who is, of course, anti-Parvati. 

Over in Herotown, Candice is grilling J.T. about the game and strategy, but he's non-committal. J.T. later tells Cirie that Candice was telling him that she doesn't trust her. Cirie goes and confronts Candice about it. The paranoia bugs start gnawing at her, and Candice goes around asking everyone about it. James tells her to quit flipping out. Her nervous behavior just puts a target on her back. 

Immunity & Reward Challenge Time! Sumo-style pillow fighting! Except they're not really pillows, they look like fairly hard pads. First team to eight wins. The reward is the cast's pre-selected luxury items and coffee, sugar, and a week's worth of rice. Courtney and Sandra sit the challenge out. I'd tell Sandra she's off the tribe right then and there. She's useless, but because she's not as pretty as Parvati, she'll fly under the radar. 

For added fun, the area around the ring is knee-deep mud. Tom and Russell face off first. Jeff tells us Tom has done this before, and he won. Tom charges Russell, who tries to spin, but Tom catches enough of him to take him off balance and knock Russell into the mud. Colby roars like a lion. The next round is Parvati and Candice. Candice charges Parvati and almost misses her, but Parvati's counter gets her tangled and brought to the ground. Cadice tries to smother her until Parvati is able to get up, but Candice is back in her face immediately. As she's almost out, Parvati grabs Candice and takes her with her into the mud. Go mud! Colby pounds his chest and roars some more. Next up is Coach versus Rupert. Rupert looks determined and steadfast, only he's going to have to move his legs so I don't know what good that's going to do him. Coach paints his chest with mud, he's ready. Rain begins to come down as Coach begins to whack Rupert directly in the face, using his height advantage. They near the edge, both teetering before Rupert falls, and Jeff says, "no," because Coach used his hands. Coach roars like a lion anyway and gets a little carried away. Surprising, I know. Jeff tells him they have to redo the match, and Coach gives him the finger! What happened to chivalry, Dragon Slayer?  They square off again, and there's a moment's pause to appreciate each's war face. They go at each other, Coach going high again, but Rupert stands him up and pushes him right out. Jerri and Cirie go next. After one bump, Jerri tries to run away. The Villains are taking a pounding. Next is J.T. against Tyson. J.T. goes in low but Tyson is able to fight it off and push him back, but J.T. comes in low again and is able to push Tyson's lanky frame out. Tyson gives him a kiss.


Danielle takes on Amanda next. They start trading blows and Amanda gets her own pillow rammed into her face several times. Danielle isn't able to finish her off before it triggers Amanda's Rage Mode that gets Danielle tossed into the muck. Six straight beatings for the Villains! Colby faces jbox's fave; Colby charges jbox's fave like a lion, making him try to dodge but slip and do a flip. He squirms around some more and lands a nice blow to Colby's head, but that just angers the lion. They're able to trade a few more blows from their knees before Colby stands up and plows jbox's fave into the mud. The match point round is James against Randy. For a moment, Randy appears to try and hide behind his team's bench. The two meet on the platform, and James orders him to pick up the pillow. Randy tries to taunt him by asking him if he likes to pick on old men before picking it up. The round begins, and James charges Randy, pushing him backward off the platform in one motion as Randy hits him in the head. James then heaves his pillow at Randy, who's just a head and shoulders in the mud at that point. Jeff does nothing about this, which seems kinda wrong to me. Ben was disqualified last season for a less flagrant offense. Bad show, Jeff.



The crushed and muddied Villains return to camp and clean up. Tyson was genuinely afraid. Randy continues his assault against all things good and beautiful in his world, condemning jbox's fave and Russell for falling into the girls' traps. 


Parvati and Coach share a swim where she tries to confront him about trying to get votes against her. He avoids answering, priding himself on his ability to not think of her only as a sexual object, but making careful note of how short her bikini bottoms are. Back on the beach, Tyson, jbox's fave, and the others quickly run down the options of voting out Parvati versus Randy. Sandra wants to get rid of the loneliest person. Tyson tells them to decide quick because people are coming, meaning Parvati and Coach are coming back. Jerri sees this, and in a perfect edit, they cut to her telling us that Parvati is a virus. Why does everyone hate her so much? She really has no master plan other than to be the attractive girl with a flat tire that never has to wait long before some dude pulls over to help. Oh, I get it; jealousy. Jerri admits to wanting to bottle up Parvati's charm. That's exactly what it is.

Coach talks to Sandra somewhere in the forest, with jbox's fave overhearing and then fading into the trees. Danielle, Parvati, and Jerri stand in front of the hut, talking about voting out Randy. But Jerri can't seem to tell a lie, says, "No, not Randy." So Parvati asks, "Who then? If you're going to say, "Not Randy," you have to say someone else." So Jerri says, "I don't have to say," which gets her all pissed off because she is caught. Anyone reading, anyone (re)watching at home, this is not how you tell lies in Survivor. You have to improvise. Then she says she doesn't even know what's going on, which is code for "I don't want to tell you I'm voting for you." Jerri tells us she just wants to punch her... with so much jealous rage that she's liquefied into a designer fragrance. Parvati knows Jerri doesn't like her, that she's fake, and calls her a bitter old cougar. 


Coach goes to visit Randy the loaner, who's such a pathetic sack, he's not even going to try and appeal, because he'd rather forfeit than lose. Instead, he will pretend he's better than the rest of them, better than the game, and he doesn't want to play if everyone's going to pay attention to the pretty girls. Coach tells us that there's nobody honorable out there anymore. Nobody. Wait for it. Wait. For. It. "Except me." Oh, gawd, Coach, I almost thought you forgot to puff yourself up. But then he quotes M.L.K. and declares that he will fight for Randy as long as he has a brain cell in his brain. How long can that last, really? But really, what a Survivor paradox: why would Coach defend Randy's decision to wuss out?

Tribal Council Time, the first for the Villains! Jeff asks Sandra who she considers a threat. Jeff sees Parvati shaking her head and asks her what it do. She says she knows everyone's afraid she will flip and that she wants to be loyal to this tribe, but words don't matter. Russell remarks that it's a huge advantage to know people on the other tribe. Jeff asks Jerri if she thinks tonight's vote should be based on challenge performance, but she says it's more about past relationships. Jeff asks Sandra if there's a leader on the tribe, and she says it depends on what they're doing, but they start out listening to jbox's fave until it gets to be too much, and then they do their own thing, but Coach delegates tasks and then takes off. Coach only hears his name and jumps to defend himself, bringing up his three hour firewood excursion. Nobody does as much as he does, and the shelter is the worst in history because it's like herding cats. Jerri and Courtney try to lighten the mood and take credit for the worst shelters, but Coach isn't done being offended yet. He challenges Sandra to write his name down if she doesn't like his contributions. She says, "no," and they talk over each other. Jeff watches it unfold before Sandra turns to him and adds, "and we have no machete!" Jeff asks what she means, and Russell just smiles. Sandra says that it got legs and walked away. At this point, you'd have to know it was him, right? Jeff marvels that they're laughing at how bad it is. Parvati says they're misfits, the Villains. Jeff asks Russell what he thinks of the tribe, who easily bashes his former season's tribes while complimenting his current team for playing the game, which he respects. Coach is caught smiling at this and my guess is it's going to be awkward when he has to get up in front of the class to go vote. Jeff asks jbox's fave if he thinks a tribal council will fix the rifts in the tribe, but he says no, citing their ability to pull together in times of urgency, but nowhere else. 

Voting time! Parvati votes for Randy, but that's the only vote they show beforehand. The second vote shown is for jbox's fave (Rob). The third goes to Randy, then the fourth, the fifth, the sixth, and the last. I guess that was Coach's last brain cell. Randy says he voted for jbox's fave as a warning. Of what, exactly, he doesn't say. 



Next time, Coach cries because nobody is saying anything nice about him, the Heroes go nuts looking for the Hidden Immunity Idol, and jbox's fave guns for Russell.