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Uncommon Survivor: Nicaragua - Week 2

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Welcome back to Uncommon Survivor! Last week, Wendy the goat lady got voted out because she bleated like a billygoat at tribal council and everyone was all like, "wut." Can Team Old find the fountain of youth or will Team Youth keep up the elderly abuse? Will Fabio kill himself? Will anyone make a fake medallion of power? 

I went a little crazy with the rec marmalade last week on account of discovering the magic of marmalade-dogs via the Hot Diggity Dogger Lunch Mate, but all the clickety-clacks and eyeball scans you did last week started making all the little lights and buttons flash on the magic dashboard, so keep doing all that and I'll try to save some marmalade for the cold, harsh winter, and we could have a real live blog again in no time!

[Note by Axion, 09/23/10 10:12 AM PDT ] Something broke and this didn't post on time. But hey, you've got a shiny new Tweet button and the box on the top right is different, so that was worth it. 

Holly's on the outs, y'all. All that intuition that told her Wendy was a good horse to tie her wagon to wasn't any good at predicting who wasn't going to get voted out. She's all flighty and smelling her armpits back at camp. Stop touching your face, lady, you look like a tweaker.


The fogies gather for their morning meeting in the Activity Room. Nobody has slept well because the shelter isn't finished. Best Jimmy starts tasking everyone but worst Jimmy chimes in with his own plan to take people to go fishing. Tyrone stops him and covers his ass with a thousand, "and that's a great idea, but"s and says they should all focus on Best Jimmy's plan. Worst Jimmy quietly storms off and later rants about nobody running it by him. I bet he just grunts for hours at a time for his confessionals before they editors able to extract something useful. Marty has decided he's going to hang back and be cool because he doesn't have enough Super Bowl rings to be the leader yet. 

Over at Base Station Muppet Baby, "Sash" and NaOnka are hitting it off. She asks him if he's happy to be here even though he's so exuberant, his collar is popped greater than but not equal to a weasel. His plan is to play the race card right down to the end. He wants to bring in Brenda to the Minority Report Alliance. He figures, since she's Asian, and they're going to need someone who's good at math, she'll go along with it. NaOnka has also completely written off Kelly Leg. 

Back over at Del Boca Vista, Holly watches as Jill eats snails. Holly makes a huge deal over the way Jill blinks her eyelids and twitches or something as she does it and decides the snails must be poisonous. She's lucky nobody watches her this way. Was her luxury item a little baggie of crack? Jill tells her to try one and she says she'll pass, Jill tries to persuade her by saying "no" over and over, and Holly completely spazzes out. She runs off, repeating, "It's a bad idea, it's a bad idea," calls Jill and worst Jimmy stupid, and heads off to scratch at her neck and pick her face. Jill goes to tell everyone about Holly's meltdown while Holly sneaks up to listen. She overhears Dan saying she's crazy as shit and storms off from her crazy-lady spying spot in the bushes. Somehow, she's obtained his shoes and decides the best way to get back at him is to fill them with sand, tie the laces, and submerge them in the river. Then she heads off to some no doubt even crazier-lady stronghold where she keeps her meth. Something tells me there's cats there, too. Put her on the No Machete list with Fabio, please.

The next morning, Dan can't find his alligator shoes and nobody gives him the common courtesy of suggesting he check if the alligator has them. His shoes cost him $1,600. That right there gets you eliminated from Survivor; not the buying of expensive shoes, but bringing them into Nicaragua to ruin. The group determines that someone must be messing with them while Holly sits conspicuously silent and alone. She walks off to look at dolphins and the beating of the tell-tale shoes weighs heavy on her soul. She doesn't want us to hate the player, but instead; the game. She throws out the old, "turning me into someone I'm not" defense so when she goes back home she's not tarred and feathered on sight. She decides to call a tribe meeting and fess up to everyone. When she has everyone's attention, she grabs Dan's knees and stares at him for a moment too long for comfort. His eyes widen in dismay. "Is she going to kill me?" he probably thought. She confesses her crime with clinical detail and a slight undertone of pride, as if she's describing it to the victim's family before being executed for mass murder. Dan tells her she's lucky she's not a guy, implying he would have hit her and that all Brooklynites are no-good thugs. She has decided she's going to play an honest game... starting now... and begs for forgiveness. Worst Jimmy says he accepts that and Dan wants to rip his face off. 


The younglings aren't without their troubles over clothes as well. NaOnka has lost one sock that wasn't where she left it and the threats start flying. Then she decides to fix this by stealing Fabio's socks. When he finds out, he's so mad, that he says, "That makes me mad." He walks over to her and begins to form a question in his mind to ask, something about his socks and how he can get them back. NaOnka erupts at him, asking him what he's, "looking at her like that for," followed by some unintelligible words that end with "attitude." He's already lost this argument. Hands to his face, he says he just looked at her, and then she starts yelling at him. She doesn't know what it is about this victim of theft, but she doesn't like him. They show Fabio putting his face in the fire. He's like the bell boy from Hot Tub Time Machine. You know that arm's coming off. Or that face. Or that skin. Something.

Over at Oldtown, Holly steals Best Jimmy away for a heart-to-heart with the coach. She doesn't think she can do this anymore. This kind of thing is exactly what Best Jimmy's game plan is - make football references. Just after saying she's no different than a football player that wants to quit the team (is that even real?), he's all like, "Bam, motherf*ckers: Vince Lombardi quote." I bet he's got a million of these. Next season, he should be the medallion of power. "Let your spirit soar on the wings of your heart's true dreamsong," he'll say, right before a challenge. He finishes his pep talk by telling her they all need her, and repeats it again to convince himself. 

Immunity Challenge Time! The children march in like soldiers and the old tribe walks on. Jeff doesn't use the tribe names, either. The Challenge? Race through the mud and find balls in haystack. The other tribemates will take the balls and toss them into barrels using shields. I need to interview the people that come up with this stuff. The winners get to choose between a tarp or fishing gear. They may as well have made the rewards a choice between Fix-o-Dent and smartphones, that way it'd be a harder decision for the winner. The old folks decide to use the medallion to start with a ball in the barrel. NaOnka sits out, she doesn't have the right socks for this anyway. Jeff puts the old ball in the barrel (gross, right?) and starts the challenge. Best Jimmy and Brenda go first and find their balls without incident. Jane and Kelly Legs head out, with Legs diving through the mud to catch up, quickly finding her ball, and hands it off as Jane is still searching. Alina takes to the mud as Jane finds her ball which sends Holly attempting to swan dive into the mud. Alina finds her balls and passes it off, sending Kelly Leg through the mud. She clears it without any problem, dashes into her haystack, and hands off her ball while Holly's still searching. The younglings begin shielding their balls into the barrel and sink one, evening the score. Holly has found the last ball and the oldies start shielding, too. Worst Jimmy sends a bad pass to Tyrone that falls, forcing them to send that ball back to the beginning. "Benry" sinks another shot for the younglings and they take the lead, but not for long as Tyrone is able to manage Worst Jimmy's poor tosses and sink the second ball for the oldies. The younglings struggle as Tyrone sinks another. Benry misses two shots in a row, giving Tyrone enough time to sink the 4th ball for the oldies. They select the fishing gear and return to their camp, safe knowing that insane Holly will be with them another few days. 


When they get back to camp, celebrations are in order. The folks go through their fishing gear and find a clue. It's another cryptic puzzle. They make more progress in decoding the puzzle before Jill figures it out, it's fifteen yards west of tree mail. She tells Dan and Marty and they run over to begin digging. Before long, Marty finds it in front of her, picks it up, and holds it against his crotch, repeating, "I've got the idol, Jill, I've got the idol" in the most perverted voice I've heard on Survivor. She corrects him with a "we" - sorry, hon, there's only one, and he's got it. 

Over on Womb Beach, the babies are discussing who they want gone. NaOnka insists to us that she sat out to see if Kelly Leg was going to use her Kelly Leg as an excuse. Kelly Leg and Alina both think it's better to keep NaOnka because she'll be easier to get rid of later. Then Kelly Leg, in one swoop that could be described as fell, she insults Shannon's masculinity and while springing the Eliminate Brenda campaign, in front of Chase, who loves Brenda. Chase feels like Brenda was the only person he could trust, which is a crazy coincidence because he also thinks she's attractive. Shannon offers Chase his best bropologies and wants to secure the Brolliance. 

NaOnka and Brenda sit in the water and watch as Shannon orchestrates the rest of the tribe. NaOnka wants him out first, followed by Pretending-To-Not-Remember-His-Name-While-Wearing-His-Socks (that probably have his name written on them so he knows they're his), what's his name again? Fabio? Yes, him. Brenda likes this plan. NaOnka also mentions Sash's Race Card Alliance to Brenda, and when she explains it, Brenda giggles with delight. Brenda tells us that she's done nothing, but all these people are running to her for support. Then they swear to support each other and the Eliminate Shannon campaign is hatched. 

Chase meets his angel, Brenda, in the forest and tells her of the plan to get rid of her. Brenda starts asking him why he needs Shannon and all of this can be heard by Alina, who's sitting back at him. She hears them list who they have voting with them. Alina informs Fabio and Kelly Leg and later, Shannon himself. They aren't sure Chase is blinded by love just yet. They're so bad at this. 

The younglings arrive at tribal council and Jeff asks Shannon how difficult this has been and he talks for awhile before ending it with a thinly-veiled threat to Chase and his girlfriend. Chase says Brenda is not his girlfriend and names who the people he trusts. Shannon explains why he's pissed, he thought they were bound by the Bro Code. He questions where Chase's integrity has been after Chase confesses that he's been playing both sides from the beginning. Fabio raises his hand to interrupt, trying to stop Shannon before he talks himself out of the game. Shannon thinks his cause is noble and presses on. It turns into the classic bullying scene, where, even though he's not the liar, Brenda says it's hard to trust him, and he starts putting everyone on the spot, one by one, asking if they trust him. That never ends well. Sash tells him he's digging his own grave and Shannon abandons any chance of recovery. He says, "I'm going to get this out of the way. Are you gay?"

Let the uncomfortable ten seconds of silence on screen permeate your mind. Yes, that's the sound of Shannon flushing his game down the toilet. 

 Then it turns into an argument over who's had the prettiest girlfriends. Sash challenges saying he'd like to see Shannon work his magic in New York. It works, but not the way he intended. Shannon says he's sure, because, "New York's full of a bunch of gay people so, yeah."


More silence.

Jeff repeats this quizzically. Shannon replies, "Yeah, more than Louisiana." Fabio pleads again for everyone to just get along; they're all on the same team. Jeff tells him to stop dreaming. Jeff asks Alina if it's foolish to think you can trust someone this early in the game, and she tells it like it is. She trusted Chase and he's the liar here. But now Shannon's a disgusting bigot. Brenda wonders why she became a target of Shannon's and he explains that it wasn't his idea and that it was originally supposed to be NaOnka. She is asked is this was news to her, and she thinks they were still a happy team before they lost, too. Jeff tells her to get out of Fabio's tree and she can't help but expose her hatred for him. She makes a fool of herself, complaining about nothing while he can only stare in disbelief. Jeff asks if she's complicated, which she denies and asks around for support. She is met with silence, like someone just called someone gay. Jeff asks Kelly Leg what she thinks and she is the brightest one of the bunch, clearly. A coherent answer. Thank you, Kelly. 

Voting begins.

We are shown Fabio's vote. He's voting for Brenda because he thinks that's the plan. Brenda votes for Shannon, and he for her. Sash calls himself the biggest bachelor in New York; just like Liberace, and shows us Shannon's name.

Jeff grabs the ballot box and begins to read off the votes. We are shown the ones we knew already and then one of each until they are tied at three apiece. Jeff reads three more votes for Shannon and the disgusting bigot talks the walk.




Next week: Jimmy Johnson recruits monkeys and NaOnka threatens to assault Kelly Leg.