Uncommon Survivor 22: Redemption Island - Week 2

Welcome back Uncommon ladies and gentlemen to UNCOMMON SURVIVOR. Last week we got under way with a bunch of new people who I already like better than the last bunch, although that could be just due to the fact that Agent Phillip is the new goldmine. The guy spills beans like a professional, and at blinding speeds. He's like Survivorman and Wikileaks fused together. Plus, his personality drives everyone up the wall and when he gets into supersonic beanslinging mode, he's unable to pronounce people's names correctly. Even with all that, Russell is back and Boston Rob is enjoying the fame and reverence of a former high school sports star. 

Jeff started tweeting live along with the west coast airing of the show, effectively kicking me off Twitter to avoid spoilers. I can't simply unfollow him, either, he's too important, but if anyone wanted to chat live, that would be where you'd go. I know, it's not our tightly-knit band of brothers, but it's something. 

Francesca heads to Redemption Island in the dark. She's sad, she can't sleep, she can't make fire, but at least she's away from Phillip. 

When Team Omelete gets back to camp, everyone's still reeling from the fireworks. Kristina's glad she didn't play her idol, but everyone knows she has it and what she was planning, so it's not much good. Phillip asks to talk with Boston Rob and asks him to step away from everyone; this is what cops say when you're about to be interrogated. I only know because I watch Cops. Really! You can see Boston Rob's eyeroll even with the lack of light. Phillip promises him his vote until he goes to Redemption Island. Rob thinks the stress of a government job has Phillip with a few screws missing. Hmm... good hearted, but not all there; he's like Coach, but with real credentials. Rob then gathers his gang, telling them to just get to six and that Phillip is gone next, followed by telling us that Phillip's an idiot. Don't worry Phillip, that's what they said about Fox Mulder, too. 

The next morning, Phillip is up and stalking about in his pink undies. The rest of the tribe looks on from a distance, narrating his efforts as if it were a wildlife film. As they hold back their laughter, Phillip is telling us how trying to hunt a tiny crab with spears makes him feel primal. I think the only other people who tried to catch crabs that way were Castaway Tom Hanks and people who imitate him. Phillip then restates that he told the girls that he was a former federal agent so they would trust him. Then he gets choked up talking about his country and uniforms. He regains his composure enough to tell us that it's okay that he loves himself. His hunting expedition ending with him throwing rocks at the crab until he hit it. Then he did that trustworthy grunt that he does and showed us the spoils of his efforts: a fraction of an ounce of crab meat. 

Finally we break over the Purple, where Ralphie is prancing about like the cock of the walk. Russell is none too pleased with the lot he's been dealt, except for the girls he finds attractive; Christa and Stephanie. I must point out that science is still out on whether or not hotness is equal to skill or loyalty in Survivor. He tells Christa he's starting to look for a hidden idol today. While he's off searching, the rest of the tribe watches him from the camp. Ralphie walks around picking up rocks he likes and finding ants for him to eat accidentally finds the idol instead. Then he turns to the camera man and tells him what he found. He describes it as being as easy as wiping your "hiney" - which for him and all that body hair, probably involves a degree of difficulty I'm not interested in zeroing in on, but it's a fine mental picture for you, dear reader. 

This season's Fabio, Matt, and the blonde girl Andrea are hitting it off like beautiful people do. He's glad that God gets involved in reality T.V., otherwise he'd be on the other tribe, presumably the one God wants to lose. Boston Rob doesn't want their partnership to go far, knowing that they could end up like he did on his first season. He settles on choosing Natalie for his new concubine partner. She's crushin' on him.

Immunity Challenge Time! Jeff takes back the idol and someone shouts out that they'll be seeing it again tonight. Jeff, like the master he is, goes to Phillip for comment, who says it makes him feel like an animal. Then he starts to sound like Spock and vows that he can outlast any man from the other tribe. Jeff asks him about the women, but Spock-Phillip says that will have to wait for another day. The challenge is so convoluted I can't begin to explain it. There's balls, tiles, and keys, and the winner gets some good gear. The challenge starts and Orange takes a quick lead. There's blurs flying all over capped by Andrea's belly flop before Orange moves on to the next section. The lead instantly evaporates as Purple unlocks their tile smasher ball and Ralphie starts tossing. Phillip demands the ball and starts his tosses. Ralphie goes on a hot streak and smashes all but one tile. The camera focuses on the excruciating look on Rob's face as he watches Phillip fail over and over. Then, Phillip has a hot streak of his own and smashes tile after tile to catch up to Ralphie, but only just to make it a dramatic loss. Purple wins. Matt goes over and shakes hands with the winners, much to the dismay of his team, especially Rob. When Rob is getting kicked in the ass, he's not in to hugs and kisses. Jeff sends them off with the reminder that Redemption Island looms for whoever they vote out. 

Team Purple heads back with Russell carrying the reward basket. He sees an idol clue slipping out of one of the flippers and tucks it into his pocket without anyone noticing, but his curiosity gets the better of him a little later when he tries to slip it in his pocket and is spotted by Ralph. Ralph tells everyone as soon as Russell takes his girls out for a stroll. Iraq War Veteran Mike is keen on getting involved with Russell so he heads off after them, followed shortly after by Ralph. Mike tries to keep it casual, but Ralph brings it up as soon as he can, asking him flat out if he found a clue. He doesn't want to admit it at first, but decides to lie when pressed. When Ralph accepts this lie for an answer, Russell tells him he doesn't like how he approached him. There's a minor standoff as both men trade expressions of masculinity before Ralph starts walking away, realizing he's out of rejoinders that make sense. He thanks Russell and continues to walk away. Both men posture for the confessional cameras. 

Back to Redemption Island, Francesca retrieves her luxury item, a diary. She writes in it. That's it.

When Team Orange returns to camp, Phillip gathers everyone around to deliver a speech to the group. When he's finished, he tells everyone they can say something if they'd like, but there's nothing but silence and stares. He begins to walk away before Rob reassures him with the "it was a team effort" refrain. Later, Kristina asks Phillip if he's scared about the vote, but he says no, citing that he's a man, and therefore inherently superior to her and the rest of her gender. Kristina is obviously scared because she's committed to playing her idol. Rob plans to vote out Matt due him contracting a case of puppy love. It's not what he wanted to do, but much like something on Phillip's pink undies, it's a weird spot. The official plan becomes to split the vote by men and women to vote for Phillip and Kristina. Before they're ready to leave, Phillip asks Rob who he should vote for. Rob tells him that he doesn't know so Phillip walks away, but after a quick smile and nod to Matt, Rob takes Phillip for a walk to give him a pep talk before the vote, explicitly telling him not to make a scene. Rob doesn't want to tell him anything before he absolutely has to because he can't be trusted to keep a plan to himself. Rob tells him he'll signal who to vote for by putting his hand over the shoulder of the target. Phillip appreciates this trust and gives Rob a hug.

Tribal Council Time! Jeff asks Kristina about the idol and about last time but she doesn't say anything interesting. It's almost like Jeff was toying with us. Ask Phillip a question, Jeff! He finally does, something about animals, and Phillip shows off his gorilla and lion tattoos with a factoid about each animal. Apparently the gorilla is for retaliating against foreign enemies and the lion is for domestic terrorists. Jeff asks him what those animals do when they feel they screw up and we're informed that lions have no regrets and gorillas win or lose, and he lost, so he needs to pay. Jeff asks Rob what he thinks about Phillip and Rob trots out all the necessary clichés. Jeff asks Matt something but that's also boring. Phillip says he's looking forward to going to Redemption Island to battle his nemesis. Matt finishes with something along the lines of "it is what it is" before voting begins and rain starts to pour.

Voting time! Phillip votes for Kristina because she's a liar. Jeff tallies the votes and asks for any idols. Kristina decides to play hers and everyone shares approval nods behind her back. The first and second votes are for her, and don't count. The next two votes are for Philip, then there's two for Matt. Matt's struck with disbelief. Andrea covers her mouth in awe. Two votes later and Matt is the second Survivor sent to Redemption Island. Jeff calls it a vicious blindside. Now Rob gets Andrea all to himself! [evil laughter]

God's will be done. via www.cbs.com

Next time: Andrea is going to murder Rob in his sleep, Russell hates his tribe more, and Stephanie promises the best blindside ever.