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Uncommon Survivor: One World - Week 7

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Previously on UNCOMMON SURVIVOR... the season took a turn for the bearable with the elimination of King Colton due to medical reasons (I suspect fecal contamination). Praise the Survivor gods, they are swift and just.

The merge happened, too. The lack of feigned excited rhyming this year means two things: it wasn't that exciting of a merge and it was largely overshadowed by Colton's elimination.

Returning from the vote, the competitors are greeted with a wine and cheese suaré. Like a hot girl starting her story about the time she was the drunkest, they didn't have any dinner. In no time, they're a little buzzed. And buzzed Surviving is drunk Surviving. Without a mastermind to think up her strategies, Alicia is going to have to charm her fellow tribemates with her winning personality.

Bat country. Breakfast at camp consists of diced coconut with sea water gravy. Somehow they think this will taste like potato chips? Has it been that long that they've forgotten what potato chips taste like? The first conflict arises over the coffee share; it's only for those who won it. Tarzan hears "won" as "want" and he wants coffee. When it's explained to him that it isn't his, he spends the rest of breakfast looking like cupcake dog.

Tarzan petitions Michael to reunite the Man Tribe with Alicia as the swing vote. Michael agrees but it's a false promise. He hates Tarzan.

Reward Challenge Time! Buried Treasure Puzzle! The folks are split up into tribes for the purposes of this challenge only. The challenge starts off with lots of fun when Leif gets stuck under the first obstacle. You know the hole in the ground is not big enough when stickwoman Kim can't get through the hole, but Alicia takes no time at all. Surprisingly, Kat is the one who makes up some ground. Sabrina kinda takes a nap in the hole she's digging which makes it a much closer match. For some reason, the blue team selected Tarzan and Jonas for the puzzle. Jonas is fine, but Tarzan doesn't know anyone's name or how to communicate. The orange tribe wins so hard Alicia's breasts come flying out. I mean, I guess that's not really news at this point. It's like saying "Kat ate her own skin, hair, and nail trimmings." Tell me something I don't know.

The winning tribe gets to eat a bunch of pizza, which, if it were me, I would eat a lot of and then vomit later. I have a complicated relationship with pizza. I'd also probably turn my nose up to their beer offering. "I'm sorry, is this a craft beer? No? Well, no thank you." Alicia reads the reward clue for the rest of the tribe.

The challenge losers spend their time moping around camp. Leif has sand in every orifice. Michael compares Man Tribe notes with Jonas, and of course, Jonas has no clue about Tarzan's proposal to Michael. Jonas drops a classic reality TV cliché, calling another person a loose cannon. Folks, we haven't used cannons for 200 years. Let's put this one to bed. Jonas sits down with Tarzan and it looks like it's a mere few seconds before Tarzan's inability to communicate with other humans results in saying illegal swears and blurred mouths on both sides. Rather than actually say why Jonas could be wrong, Tarzan decides to "drop out of the tribe" (whatever that means) and leave the alliance, of which he wasn't really a part. Michael walks up as the argument begins to peter, but Tarzan ratchets up the drama by telling Jonas that he doesn't like him and to not talk to him anymore. And with that, he threw a smoke bomb at the ground, shouted "Shazaam" and turned into Colton. Just kidding, but damn. Tarzan swears that when he says something, he means it, except he says a lot of things that barely make sense, and I don't even think he's listening to his own words.

Troyzan, the young Tarzan, spends the early morning looking for the hidden idol. Looks like it took about twenty minutes.

Immunity Challenge Time! Balance balls on a disc (that's dee, aye, ess, see) for the longest time. I had a friend that worked as a busboy and he could do this with his for hours. As soon as the challenge starts, the Survivor gods send a gust of wind that eliminates Tarzan by blowing on his single ball. With two balls on her plate, Christina drops out, as does Michael, Chelsea, and Kim. Grab your balls, everybody. What's Jeff using for a timer, anyway? Three balls is too much to handle for Alicia, then Jay. Troyzan's balls haven't moved in a long time. Jonas drops his balls, too. A breeze eliminates Sabrina. Leif drops a ball. It's down to Troyzan's unmoving balls versus Kat's wise-beyond-her-years ball skills. Before too long, Kat falls from her perch, giving Troyzan the victory. He's got a case of the Bills, just having an acid freakout about winning.

After the challenge, Chelsea and Jay decide to keep the former tribal lines intact and vote out Jonas first, because he's a great cook. The plan is met with zero resistance from the rest of the alliance, except for Troyzan, who really values the menu Jonas has been preparing. For some reason, instead of hashing this out with his alliance, he behaves like an outsider and tells Jonas straightaway about the plan.

Jonas takes the opportunity to apologize head-on to Tarzan and it was such a beautiful and refreshing moment in the game, Tarzan sheds a few tears and accepts Jonas back into his alliance as a respected individual. The new plan is getting rid of Kat, and maybe Michael, but probably Kat.

When it's laundry time, Tarzan assures Sabrina that the skidmarks on his underoos are just dirt and not poop. When someone says that, you know something's up. Add that to the fact that Colton nearly died from eating poop, it really starts to fit together. Also, Tarzan is borderline senile, so poop isn't entirely unexpected. As if he sensed people's seeds of belief starting to sprout, Tarzan sprays weed-killer on them by saying that even if it was poop, they wouldn't have to worry. It's poop, guys. When the poop and underwear tea is boiling, Tarzan says it's not poop like five more times, convincing everyone else that it's poop. Kim or Chelsea or whoever now doesn't want their undies in the tea now. This is how society breaks down, people. You shit your drawers and everything falls apart. Lesson in microbiology aside, nobody wants to know about poop. It starts to look like a kindergarten recess with everyone standing around in a circle staring at the kid who shat himself. The new plan is getting rid of Tarzan and his pooper. Worse than dead weight, he's dead weight that poops.

Tribal Council Time! I just want them to talk about the poop. Instead of that, Jonas decides to announce he's voting for Michael. This flips Tarzan's crazy bit from 0 to 1 and decides now he doesn't respect Jonas. A cool thing to do is interrupt someone, say very little, and finish with saying that's all you're going to say. I need to work that into my repertoire. Before you know it, Jonas is outing the plan to vote for Kat, too, blaming Tarzan for the whole thing. Tarzan naturally doesn't like this and decides it's time to vote out Jonas. Kim comes to Jonas's defense, as does Sabrina. Jonas is a cool dude. He's making sushi and ish out there. Tarzan is used to not hearing any dissenting opinions. The backfire against Tarzan seems like it's pretty much past its apex at this point.

Voting Time! I won a chance to be on an episode of Survivor and you can see me during this these frames. I'm the marker they use to write with. Hi.

The votes: Jonas, M1ke, Michael, Jonas, Jonas, Jonas, JØnas, Jonas, Jonas :(

Jonas parts wishing them ironic luck with their food situation.


"French fried potaters" via

Next time: Paranoia sets in and all kinds of people are talking and nobody knows what's goin' on.